WATSU - 36 WEEKS, 6 DAYS

Been feeling a little better the last 2 days or so. I'm not great about the situation I find myself in but I'm coming to terms with it a bit more. I'm really not looking forward to the experience of the ECV and hopefully, fingers crossed I won't have to go through it.

Been trying to get baby to turn by being on all 4s, sitting and bouncing on my birthing ball but this makes my feet really puffy, and visualising and telling him to get his head down! It might work, you never know.

The only good thing about the baby being in this position is that he isn't putting any pressure on my pelvis which is great. I do get sciatic pain still and it makes my left leg give way suddenly with some shooting pain but I can deal with that much better than constant burning and stinging of my pelvis whenever I move.

The kicks to the bladder and bum area are a constant reminder from the little bugger that he still hasn't turned. I keep getting my hopes up every now and then when I feel a bit different but so far he is still staying in exactly the same place. He has been like it for 10 weeks now so I suppose he must be comfortable.

Booked into the spa with Mum. Going to have a Watsu. I think you basically float about while being gently moved around by a therapist. It's costing an arm and a leg for it but I can't wait! Hopefully all the relaxing will get baby round.

Time is ticking away. Only 9 days until ECV, 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and baby will be here very soon. I think my thoughts are so consumed with how he is going to get here that I haven't been thinking about the after bit yet. It's making me tired just typing about it.

In need of sleep, healthy food and drink, and some alone time. Too busy for that though.

LIST - 32 WEEKS, 3 DAYS

I have an expanding list of things I want to talk about on here so I better get on with it before I forget what I wanted to say. It won't really flow as I'm following a list and will just write about each one.

Gas - with my first 2 pregnancies I always had gas going up and down but this time around I haven't suffered from it and luckily, so far, I haven't had any indigestion which is great.

Aches & Pains - everyone gets them I'm sure. This time I have been getting lower back ache if I've been standing for a long time but to be honest I get that when I'm not pregnant too. It isn't too bad though. The biggest issue is the burning, stinging, stabbing pelvis pain. Sometimes it is horrendous. The worse time by far is when trying to get comfy in bed or turning over, oh and getting dressed and undressed. It is so painful and you know you have to feel it as you have to move. So I just grit my teeth, feel the pain and usually groan or let out some air. It isn't nice and I will stop going on about it but I have to write about it as a reminder for next time! ;o)

Preparing siblings - I feel like I haven't done enough of this with Leo and too much with Ellis. Ellis is always asking when is baby Ben going to arrive, is it spring yet etc etc and Leo just knows that my tummy is called baby. Pretty sure he doesn't know that there is a baby in there and that it will be coming out and home with us. I think he will be in for the biggest shock. Ellis really wants to be a helper and I hope he does as I will need it.

Baby position - I pretty much have no idea of baby's position other than the fact that all movement, kicks, prods etc is down on my c-section scar and below. It is so strange how low it is and it doesn't feel nice at all. I know there is time for baby to get in a proper position but it would be nice to feel some good movements and legs/arms sticking out etc. I have a midwife appointment in just under a week so should know more then, hopefully.

Rob has actually looked into purchasing an ultra sound machine so that I can put my mind at rest as I obsess about it every day. They go for £900 which isn't bad really as you can re-sell it. I've told him not to obviously.

Size - I've been told conflicting things about how I look size wise. Some say I look massive then go on to say but it's all up front and you don't look pregnant from behind. One lady today said I hardly looked pregnant! People say I don't look like I have put on any extra weight! Seriously! It would be nice to be made to feel better but when you know you have gained so much extra fat on your arse and thighs and I'm bloated everywhere else, you wonder why people are fibbing so badly. ;o) I just have to look at my hands I know I'm big.

Getting ready - Right, so I've started to do the washing and ironing and putting the clothes into Leo's current room. All of Leo's clothes are now in with Ellis' which makes it so much easier. I've been out shopping and bought a few bits, ordered the mattress and bought myself some pads and arnica. I've written a very long list of stuff for the hospital bag but I don't remember taking that much stuff last time. I'll post the list on here soon. Need to do a birthing plan, clean the crib, finish sorting the clothes, sort out a car seat as current one is broken, pack hospital bag and I also need to work out what I'm going to do if labour starts and Rob is away etc. I mean Mum and Dad are 20 minutes drive away so add on getting out the house, 30 minutes, and Uncle Dave isn't much closer, if I can get hold of him. Sally has kindly said she would let me know when she could be free which is great as she is a lot closer, but it is still a worry. Hopefully it will start Friday afternoon or something, that way Rob will be home and I won't have to worry about any of it. I seem to have quite long labours but this time might be really fast, you just never know and it's best to be prepared.

AB Classes - went back to my first active birthing class on Tuesday. I made the silly mistake of walking down the very dark lane to get to the barn, ended up scaring the shit out of myself, causing me to run and hurt my pelvis. The class went well though. We heard a birth story at the beginning, drank tea, ate chocolate, talked about breathing techniques at the end for 2 minutes and introduced ourselves etc. It was really nice to be back but strange at the same time. I felt like a know it all and I sat there nodding my head a lot of the time. I'll keep going for now as it is nice to think about this baby and this pregnancy and I do need to get my head prepared for the labour of labour.

Appetite - this is going up and down and all over the place. Some days I really could just drink water all day and be fine, other days 2 chocolate bars, 3 packets of crips, tons of fruit etc are just not enough. I haven't weighed and I don't intend to until 35 weeks. I think with Leo I weighed a lot so was much more conscious of what was happening but this time I'm just going with the flow. Not worried about weight gain at all as long as I don't go stupid. I'm pretty sure I can lose it again with a bit of will power and I'm planning to do it by having an eating plan ready so that I can stick to it. It's something like this:

Breakfast - Porridge or Oat cereal with a banana

Fruit snack mid morning

Lunch - Sandwich with low fat crisps and yoghurt or soup with 2 bits of toast and yoghurt

Healthy mid afternoon snack

Dinner - Not overly fussed about this but pasta and sauce or fish or something like that.

I'll make sure to drink plenty of water too as I will hopefully be breastfeeding and will need to keep hydrated.

Cravings - I really want to be crunching away on some crushed ice just like I did with Leo but unfortunately we don't have the ice dispenser hooked up so no ice. :o(

Boobs - these things are massive but I'm still in my normal bras. I do have 4 boobs though and they barely cover my nipples, but I'm still in them. I will switch to my bigger bras soon.

Spots - maybe it is to do with my appetite/eating but I have suddenly started to get lots of spots again. I usually get a few spots anyway but in recent weeks I haven't had any so I noticed them when they returned. Hopefully they will go again soon.

Swollen - now this is going to sound very strange but I'm sure this is pretty normal that my down below bits are a bit swollen. I think I remember having it with Ellis but not sure. It isn't uncomfortable or anything but just a bit weird. My legs, hands, feet, face and neck are definitely puffy. I have bad sock marks and my stringy bit as I call it from my big toe is slowly disappearing. Plus you can feel that your skin is being stretched. Oh the joys of pregnancy!

The boys - as the time of the new arrival is fast approaching I've become really aware that my chance to spend quality time with the 2 boys is diminishing very quickly and I'm feeling a little bit sad about it. I'm really trying my best to give them lots of attention and one on one time as soon Mummy time will have to be split again. Hopefully Daddy will take up the slack in the first couple of weeks so that I can settle into some sort of routine so that I can still spend good time with them as well as keep on top of everything else. I know this isn't going to be easy but I'll cope. I'll have to.

Done - I'm still pregnant and I already think that I'm done, as in 3 boys will be enough for me. As much as I would love to have a little girl, I don't think I can go through all this again for the very slight chance that it might happen. I've always said I wouldn't have children just to have a certain sex, and I stand by that. I would never say never though and it is just left open for now. Would have to see how it all works out anyway. I would want a slightly bigger gap too as I think my body needs a rest from pregnancy and/or breastfeeding, which it has been doing since October 2006! I will get rid of some stuff after this one. I will keep some special outfits and things but everything else can go.

32 weeks - In general I'm feeling good. Up and down emotionally, very paranoid and I feel like I'm not working hard enough on some of my friendships but I'm just very consumed with everything right now. It sounds like a rubbish excuse but I just can't fit everything in. That doesn't mean that I'm too busy doing other stuff it just means that I can't cope with it all. My brain is overloaded.

I really have a good waddle going on now and I'm aware of my posture changing to a slightly leaning back position. I try to hold myself up high, pull in those pesky muscles and walk with my knees sometimes knocking. Sounds mental right?

I feel like I'm nearly at the end but I do have almost 8 weeks left, but they are ticking by so quickly. I'm trying to cherish the pregnancy but to be totally honest, apart from the pain in my pelvis and the horrible kicks to my bladder, I haven't really had too much time to think about it. I really want to make sure that I bond with this baby quite quickly and that I don't just see him as a little machine to deal with in amongst what I usually do, if that makes sense. I want him to be part of everything and not just a new chore. That sounds terrible I know but I'm just worried about spreading the love. I'm sure it will be just fine.

I have seriously waffled on but I did say my list was rather long. I must admit I did add to it as I went along.

Feeling happy but disorganised. Once I'm sorted out I will feel a lot more settled. I think I remember going through a phase like this with both pregnancies. Worrying about being a good Mum, worrying about everything really.

Going to put my feet up now and switch off for a bit.

BIG - 26 WEEKS, 6 DAYS

Been feeling fine. I did slip on Ellis' rug last night and pulled my pelvis but it seems to have got better as the day has gone on which is great news.

Feeling tons of kicks and movement now but it is all still very low down. I've convinced myself already that this baby will be breach. I don't know why, I just have. Will try and convince Judith (midwife) to give me a late scan to double check.

Looking forward to the 4d scan next week but a little bit nervous too. It will be very strange seeing our baby's face.

Saw Naomi on Friday night and she hardly has a bump! I'm so massive in comparison to her and I'm a lot taller so you would think she would show more too. Hopefully the scan will be able to show if the size of the baby is okay for this stage.

Loving being pregnant.

LUSH - 14 WEEKS, 4 DAYS

I have a baby growing in my belly and 2 gorgeous boys. It doesn't get much better than that! I am so happy to be pregnant again and to be expanding our family. It's going to be tough I know, but I have a great support system that will see me through and before I know it, I'll be a Grandma. I want to savour every moment of this pregnancy and every second of my boys lives.

OSCAR SCAN - 12 WEEKS 4 DAYS

What a very, very exciting day! Naomi came over this morning and I was going to tell her about Nugget when she produced a scan picture of her own little baby! I am so happy for her! I thought she might have been after a few things that were said/not said and done etc but obviously not 100%. I am 5 days behind her. How cool is that.

After congratulating her I told her I was too! She was so pleased and we chatted for ages about it all and she genuinely seems excited about going through it all at the same time together. I discussed AB classes and she is interested in attending so that will be even better.

She thinks she is having a girl but I am so sure it is a boy. Of course I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure I won't.

This afternoon Rob and I dropped the kids off with Saskia and Rory and went to the hospital for the Oscar scan. I went in to have some blood taken and then we walked over to Jaidan and Leighton's house for a cuppa and a chat before going back for the scan. The doctor was running late so we had to wait for a bit and then when we did go in it was a bit rushed. Good but done in a hurry.

I was really, really nervous that there would be nothing there, or something there but no heart beat. The picture came on the screen and I could see the sack but no baby, then there was a very big babies head on the screen as it was really zoomed in. He quickly zoomed out and I instantly saw a little heart fluttering away. The baby was moving a lot and the picture on the screen was really clear. The pictures didn't come out as well though, which is a shame.

He showed us all the important bits and then said we could listen to the heart. I wasn't expecting that so was pleasantly surprised. It was the sweetest sound.

I left the room so happy! I still can't quite believe it and I even said to the doctor I don't believe it.

Rob came out the room and said, "I'm worried about my foot". Typical bloke! He was well happy though and just as relived as me that everything was okay.

I have my dating scan and consultant meeting on Tuesday and Rob was going to take the day off work to come with me but there really isn't any need for him to come again. I would like Mum to come with me but I'm not sure who else can watch the boys. I'll think of something.

Just want to tell everyone now but would like to do it face to face as it's lush to see peoples responses. Sally suspects for some reason so she won't be too surprised and I think my Dad may be suspicious, but that's just his nature.

Will post new pics and scan pics once the PC has been set up again.

We told Ellis when we got home and showed him the pictures. We asked him to guess what the pictures were. First was a cat, then a dog, an owl and 4 foxes. We explained to him what it was, where it was etc and that Mummy's tummy was going to get big and I would go to hospital and come home with another baby. He was totally fine with it and said he wanted a baby sister. We asked him what he thought and he said, "i see, Daddy put the telly back on". Funny bugger.

I can't stop thinking about it now. Looking forward to the next few days.

TONGUE BITING

I'm finding it really hard to bite my tongue. It's almost as though I feel like it isn't a secret and that it is already out there. Everyone knows and I can just talk about it. I hope I don't let it slip. I keep thinking, what if I just blurt it out mid conversation and see if anyone notices! I saw Charlotte and Sally on Tuesday and I just really, really wanted to tell them. I don't really like keeping it to myself.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and stuff and I'm not really all that worried at the moment. I'm really looking forward to the scan as long as everything is okay and I really do think we would find out the sex again. I don't think I could wait. I'm really impatient and I don't want to put myself through the frustration of not knowing. I'm already convinced it's another boy as I'm getting spots already and everything feels the same as it did with Leo.

My pelvis has already started to click and I am nursing it and stepping up my reps on my exercises. I made my booking in appointment with the midwife today so that makes it even more exciting and real. Especially when you get the yellow book. I'm trying hard to be excited and hopeful but not overly confident. I would be gutted if there isn't a baby growing healthily in there so I need to keep my realistic head on.

Generally I'm starting to feel a tired lull around mid morning, and I can feel things going on like boobs stinging, cramping, feeling hot etc etc. I can best describe it like a warm ball inside, low down. Almost like I'm having a period really. I had the same with Leo but I don't remember with Ellis. With Ellis I just had really, really sore boobs!

So much going on right now! Keeping me busy and occupied though.

HOW FAR?

It's been a few days since I received the positive result and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. The main reason being that I had Nicky's hen weekend this weekend and I wasn't able to drink! I was a bit worried about how I would get away with it so I had to tell Karen so that she could help me to cover it up. It worked and I'm pretty sure no one was suspicious.

Karen was really pleased and excited for us and it was really nice to have this secret together. Every now and then she would wink at me and I knew what she meant. It was fun. Also on the train on the way to Brighton she was saying about her daughter and niece being pregnant and said that there has to be a 3rd and it needs to be in my side of the family. I just said, yeh must be Kate then! HAHA!

I'm not really having any strong symptoms yet which is fine by me. I am tired but I think that is just from the busy weekend.

I wanted to do measurements and stuff like last time and again, I have no idea how far along I am. The babycentre website says 5 weeks and from my dates I make it 6 weeks today. So I will go with my dates for now until the dating scan.

Not sure when to book my booking in appointment but I better do it sooner rather than later as I'll be busy moving house and stuff.

The weekly pictures are probably going to be taken on Sunday as Rob isn't home on a Monday which is when I would be into my new week. That will change after the scan I expect. I should have taken one yesterday! Doh! Will do it tomorrow when Rob is home and will do my measurements then too. All exciting stuff.

I can't stop watching the video of the test result. Rob's face is so funny. He really wasn't expecting it to be positive!

I expect I will do a few posts over the next few weeks, just putting down my thoughts and anything that is going on with my body. I just keep my fingers crossed that Nugget is in there and growing healthily.

POSITIVE!

TESTING

I don't really know where to start. So many things have been going on. I still haven't come on and I'm on day 37. Of course it is still very possible I will come on tomorrow or even the next day etc but yet again I have totally convinced myself that I am pregnant. I feel pregnant and I've had so many things happen that I believe are symptoms! I'm a crazy person I know and I should have done a test last night but I just couldn't.

The reason I couldn't do a test yesterday is because we decided we will be moving house in 6 weeks and I just didn't want to add to my plate yesterday. But I will have to do one tomorrow as I have the hen weekend.

I haven't had much discharge today which usually means that my period is coming but I will be surprised if it does. Stinging boobs, increased discharge for 2 days before today, crying all the time, niggly headache and I could not stop weeing yesterday and I didn't drink any more than I usually would. It's all coincidental I'm sure and I'll look like a right idiot tomorrow. I have to go and buy another test though as the 2 I have are out of date. I should have just done it yesterday.

SMIRKING

I personally think that there isn't a chance in hell that we succeeded this month but I have to keep smirking to myself as I read into things. My boobs have been stinging and I'm sure I can see a blue vein sticking out and my discharge seems a bit strange.

I swear if we get a positive test this month, I will die laughing. Not that it is a laughing matter but I'm so sure we aren't that I will be laughing with shock!

EH?

TACT

No period yet and I haven't done a test but I did buy one at least. Why do they put them in plain white boxes with huge bold lettering "PREGNANCY TEST". Luckily the shop was really quiet as I don't know how I would explain that away if I bumped into someone I knew.

I really want to keep it a secret for as long as possible if I am, but I'm just bursting to talk to everyone about it! I haven't even done a test yet!!!!

Yes, I'm crazy. But in a good way, I think ;o)

Slight head ache and hot flushes this morning, still normal discharge and I do think my boobs were tingling a little last night and look a bit fuller in my bra today! Not reading into it obviously :o)

Will do test this weekend some time.

TORTURE

Um, still no period but I am having a lot of hot flushes and just generally feeling like my core body temp is higher than normal. I should just do a test but I can't.

Just seen Sophie and Vivien and of course I had to talk to them about it. So exciting being able to share it especially with them. I would like to keep it a secret though. I don't even know if I am but I'm talking like I am. Put it this way, if the test is negative, I would be very surprised. :o)

I don't know why I'm torturing myself. Perhaps I like it!

DENIAL

I wonder how long I can leave it before doing a test?! How long can I keep denying it!? I really can't believe it if I am. It's crazy. One quicky at the end of my cycle and duddah!

Obviously that would be amazing and I am truly blessed to be able to get pregnant just like that when I know so many others struggle. I read a lot of infertility blogs and I really feel for them. I sort of understand why they feel so guilty now when they do get pregnant and get scared of announcing it so as not to upset their fellow blog readers. It's a tricky one.

I was thinking in the shower last night (which is where I do the most thinking) and I was suddenly feeling really guilty. I felt sorry for Ellis and Leo. They will have to share Mummy even more and I felt like I missed a bit of Ellis growing up when Leo was born as I was struggling to cope with a new baby. I don't want to miss a moment of them growing up! What will be different this time? It will be hard but I think it wont be as big a shock as going from one to two. With Rob still being away 3 nights a week will make things that bit harder and we still haven't found a house we like. There is just nothing coming on! I'm sure it will all work out.

I weighed this morning. Not happy at all. I was 11st 12lbs. 5lbs over my target weight! Rob has set up running machine now so hopefully will start on that soon.

NOPE

No discharge today which is usually a sure sign that my period will start either tomorrow or the next day which is when I'm due anyway. Pretty certain we didn't do it this month.

Really not feeling well still. Achy body and fatigued. Hopefully feel better tomorrow, although if my period arrives I doubt I will be too happy about that.

MIGHT BE?

I might be pregnant! How crazy is that! Basically we started trying for Nugget earlier than originally planned. I just thought I'm right at the end of my cycle, what are the chances!? I suppose it only takes one time. Time will tell. Very excited if I am.

I haven't taken a 0 week picture for a few reasons. Obviously we have already started trying and I haven't taken one yet but I will do. I'm just really disappointed in myself. I haven't got rid of my baby weight from Leo yet which I'm not happy about. I know it's down to me to do and I did get within 3/4 lbs of my target weight but then I just put it all back on. Still have 1/2 a stone to go to target weight. I wanted to do measurements like last time as a comparison but I'm not sure I want to see the differences.

I finished feeding Leo a while ago now and my milk has dried up which is strange as they have been leaking since I first got pregnant with Ellis in 2006! My boobs aren't what they once were and I don't like them but Rob does so that's good. They are still the same size but certainly not the same shape.

My biggest worry is the size of my flabby belly. Fat and skin. And the skin is horrible as it is covered in stretch marks. Not a pleasant sight and I suppose I should try and get used to it.

Really looking forward to being pregnant again and who knows in 2 weeks time I might be! I really don't think so though. I don't think I'm going to bother working out my ovulation dates and stuff this time. I might just leave it to fate. See what happens. I don't want to be living my life by a monthly cycle and getting my hopes up all the time. I also don't want my thoughts taken over with am I or aren't I etc.

Most people will be surprised I think although those closest to me probably won't be. Charlotte hasn't been convinced by my crappy lies about not having any more babies and there are quite a few people that know we are going for a 3rd. Most of the AB girls know, my yoga lot and Caroline. That's quite a lot really. I won't tell them I'm actually pregnant though until I've told family and a few other important people in my life.

I keep thinking I would like to do things different this time. Not calculating my ovulation dates is one already, not telling anyone is different too. Also I thought I might do the test on my own and then tell Rob in a nice way, some how. Or I might not tell anyone and just wait for bump to tell everyone. I wonder how far along I could get before anyone asks? Not long with a gut my size already.

My last period came and went with no problems. It wasn't heavy or that painful which was good.

I was starting to get a bit impatient with waiting until the end of May but now that we have brought it forward a bit I'm okay. I think due date if we were successful this month would be early February. Not sure and I'm not going to be doing that every month either. Plus I have loads of events and things coming up this summer that I will need to make sure if I'm pregnant or not before I go. I have a hen weekend, a pre hen night, 2 weddings etc etc.

Today I went shopping and I bought a dress for the weddings! I'm really stupid as I might not be fitting them in 2 months time so I'm going to have to take them back and going shopping nearer the time.

It's all good though and I'm feeling rather positive about it all. Yes it will be very hard, extremely hard even, but I think the shock of going from 1-2 kids is going to be far greater than just adding to the bunch. Bring it on!

PERIOD FINISHED

I weighed tonight, after dinner and I was 11st 13lb so hopefully in the morning I'll be less than that. The diet is going really well apart from today as I have eaten loads of Easter egg, but generally speaking I am finding it easier. I don't think about it all day and I'm not eating stuff just for the sake of it. I'm pleased about that as now I know my weight will steadily start to go down and I will feel happier about it.

My first period has now finished. The first 3 days were horrible but after that it was fine. Not looking forward to the next one.

I said to Rob today, "should we just start this month?", I was only kidding though as my due date if we were successful would be 2nd January 2011 and I think that is way too close to Christmas.

I really can't wait to be pregnant again, and to go through that whole experience. I hope everything runs smoothly. Of course I am worried about coping with 3 but I'm sure it will be fine. Ellis will be that bit older and will be going to pre-school at least 3 days a week and depending on when baby is born, Leo will be in pre-school not long after etc. I think it will be fine, hard, but fine.

AGREED

Well it has been talked about and agreed to try for another baby. It's so exciting and I don't feel scared at all. I'm sure I will when and if the time comes. Basically I asked Rob to read my last entry and then said, well? He said he was still up for it.

So today I took my last pill for hopefully a very long time. I have 3 months to get fitter, loose the rest of the baby weight and take folic acid, which reminds me that I need to buy some.

I have broken my finger at the moment so it may be a bit hard to get too physical with any type of fitness but I will start soon.

I'm also going to start weaning Leo on to a bottle tomorrow so that I can get my periods back and start working out my cycle.

It may take us a bit longer than last time because Rob is away during the week. 4 nights a week, and not in a row, may make conceiving a bit trickier, but time will tell

I've still been putting people off the idea that we will have any more and I find people's responses quite funny. Some blatantly don't believe me, others say they think I would be stupid to have any more because of Rob being away etc, some think 2 is enough, and loads more.

I know life will be crazy hard for a few years but I just think about what it will be like when they are all a bit older. I can't wait for crazy Christmas and birthday parties, great family holidays etc etc.

Pregnancy certainly takes its toll on my body and I'm really not looking forward to all the aches and pains that come along with carrying a baby. I will get through it though. I can't wait to feel the baby move and to see what it looks like when it arrives.

Trying very hard to keep this diary brief for now.

DIET 2

12st this morning. Only 7 lbs to go. Was supposed to be going to circuit training tonight but had a bad night with the boys and an early start so maybe I'll stay home and work out on the Wii Fit.

I forgot to take my pill yesterday. Doh! Sent Rob a text to let him know as I don't want to be accused of accidentally on purpose getting pregnant. I'm a planner and that wouldn't be a good plan.