CONFUSED - 39 WEEKS

My brain is so frazzled right now that I don't even have the energy to blog. I will try though.

Still feeling really rough, blocked up nose, tight chest, hard to breathe sometimes, headache, cough etc. Not nice and I just want it gone.

Thursday is quickly approaching and I still haven't made my mind up about what I want to do. I wish I could see into all the different futures.

I could wait to go into labour and to see if the contractions help to turn baby, or I could wait to go into labour before the c-section so at least I know baby is ready and we both get some good hormones for milk supply etc. I could have a vaginal breech birth which after looking into it a bit isn't that uncommon, or I could just go in on Thursday and have poor baby whipped out of his warm little home into a theatre room filled with bright lights and people doing stuff to him. The only plus I can see to this is getting my diastases sorted out, but is it really worth it?

I'm seeing the midwife tomorrow so will try and ask her some questions but I have to take the boys with me so I doubt I'll pick much up.

I did the pelvic tilt thing today for about 30 minutes I had my bum resting up on a mound of pillows and then for the rest of the day the baby has been really active. I think maybe one of his feet has shifted out of my pelvis as I can feel kicks again down on my right side. He has just generally been moving a lot more and I've had a few Braxton Hicks today. Not been feeling all that good really. I've been staying active though, walking Ellis to school and going to Sainsbury's which actually ended up being quite a struggle.

This nasty cold has made me blow my nose quite hard and all the coughing has hurt my tummy and my bum! I have a bad pile now and I've been treating it loads but it hasn't helped. A real pain in the arse, pun intended!

What is the right decision!? I have no gut instinct or feeling about any of it. All I know is that I'm scared of c-section and vaginal delivery now. I'm not prepared for either.

Hopefully speaking to Judith tomorrow and then someone on Thursday will help. It seems so far away though but also very close. I need help, but no one can help me. No one can tell me what the right thing to do is.

Everyone keeps saying that it will all be fine and will work out one way or the other. I so hope it does but that doesn't stop me doing my head in about it all. I have tried. I have tried to just pick one option and be okay with it but 2 seconds later I change my mind!

Can't believe how active Nugget is today. He hasn't moved around just pushes out and makes bump all pointy and hard. I pretty much decided over the last 2 days though that this will be my last baby, unless we have an accident of course.

I wish Rob was home. He is with his mates though having a little farewell party, but he can't drink just in case, which is rubbish for him.

Been really struggling with acid indigestion too. Last night I slept sitting up but it was still quite bad and I had to go to the toilet twice during the night and Ellis was awake 3 times. I'm not sure what is causing it. He says it is the heater/boiler or his radiator but I don't believe that is it.

Been trying to just chill out with the boys. Chatting to them, lots of cuddles that sort of thing. It's the only thing I can do really as I can't play fight etc. It is really nice time with them though and I'm trying hard to cherish it. Ellis is growing up so fast and Leo is really starting to make progress with communicating to all of us. I'm really worried about how I will split my time once number 3 is here. Again, I'm sure it will work out just fine!

I have done 39 week bump pictures but they are on the PC and I'm on the laptop so will have to post them tomorrow or something.

Even my blog post is all over the place!

So tired and need sleep but just can't sleep. One way or the other it will all be over soon and the recovery process and looking after a larger family can commence. Not long and all this will be a distant memory.

POSITIVE THINKING - 37 WEEKS, 4 DAYS

How quickly did the last 37 weeks go! Bump picture.

I had a midwife appointment the day after I saw the registrar and I'm not sure if I've written about it yet. I might have done on topflumps but not sure.

Anyway I saw Judith and she asked how I had got on at the hospital, I told her about it being breech and she was like "NO!" . She was really surprised. She tested my wee, did my blood pressure and felt my tummy and I think she didn't really know which way it was until I told her. She listened to the heart beat which took her a while to find as she was searching in a different place to normal because of him being breech but when she put the Doppler on the normal place she heard it. She said my babies are weird. Thanks!

My blood test results were missing so she said she would chase them up and then booked me in for 3 weeks time when I said I would of more than likely had it by then, if not then on the day of the appointment.

We did discuss going for a natural breech delivery but seeing as he is a footling breech, feet down rather than bum, this increases the risks quite a lot. Basically the cord can fall out and get squashed causing harm and possibly death to the baby. Not a risk worth taking.

I had my active birthing class on Tuesday and I was in a right strop. A lovely lady brought her son in and talked about her lovely active, natural birth that went really well. I was sulking of course.

I had a cry on the way home and I was still sulking when I spoke to Rob so he got pissy with me without really realising that I was having "issues!" Can't blame him, I was a right stroppy cow but I feel like I had a right to be, in a way anyway. We had a chat and he said the same things that everyone says, and all the things I already know so I basically told him to shut up and just give me a hug.

I'm starting to feel a bit better about the whole situation. I think the closer it gets the more relaxed I'm getting as time is running out. Going with the flow, being in the now, whatever attitude, what will be will be is all stuff I know but unable to put in to practice at the moment. I think if someone says it to me one more time I might scream out loud rather than just in my head!

I sound like a right spoiled brat! Here I am with a healthy baby boy in my belly ready to come into this family and all I can fixate on is how he is going to get here. I haven't even thought about the after bit, apart from if I have a section how awful it will be ;o)

I keep looking around at all the baby stuff and can't actually get my head around the fact that a little baby will be here very shortly. I need to start focusing more on how I feel about the baby and how he is going to fit into our family and preparing the boys for his arrival. Leo is so cute with bump, like Ellis was really. Ellis this time isn't so interested although he did put his hand on it today to have a feel.

We really don't have a name sorted. Nothing. I've been testing some out on Ellis but he doesn't like anything, apart from Sugar or Rocket. I really don't want to send out "the" text message with just baby arrived on it. I want to introduce him with a name as a person. I sound crazy I'm sure but I'm used to that. Rob really doesn't like the one name that I have come up with and to be honest even I'm not 100% sure of it, not like I was with Ellis and Leo. I didn't think I would get to have Leo's name though. Maybe we will try some names out when he is here before sending out the message. I've told Rob not to put anything on Facebook until we have spoken with family and sent out the text to close friends. I don't want anything on there until we know that he and I are safe and well.

I pretty much have everything ready. There are little things outstanding but they could be grabbed at the last minute. I need to make sure that camera batteries are charged and memory cards are cleared though, so will sort that tomorrow. The other thing outstanding is my birth plan. I've pretty much thrown that out the window for now. If things change on Tuesday then I will write it but for now I'm not actually going to bother.

Been feeling more tired recently. I'm sleeping okay when the boys let me. I have to regularly get up with one or both of them during the night and I need a wee break too so it is very disturbed sleep but not too painful like it was before. It does hurt to turn over, especially when Rob is here but my hips don't ache which is nice.

I've started to get a lot of acid indigestion which isn't nice so I'm trying to prop myself up a bit. I think because baby is breech and not engaging, and is getting a lot bigger, that he is pressing up on my stomach and causing it. Not much longer now.

Waking up with bloated legs and feet now which can feel uncomfortable at times. Rob gave me a really lush foot rub the other night and I've just asked for another so looking forward to that.

Tuesday is coming around fast but not fast enough if you know what I mean. I just want it done with now. I want some answers. But I am trying really hard to enjoy my time with the boys. By the end of the day I'm tired and touchy but we do have fun. This week has been quite hard as it has been half term but we have done some different things and chilled out together too which has been nice.

Having a lie in tomorrow morning then off to the spa in the afternoon. Really looking forward to a pamper day. It may well be my last lie in too if baby comes on Tuesday, which is possible.

I'm keeping my hopes up though that he might be turned, I am pretty sure he won't turn himself now but you never know I suppose. Fingers crossed for it all.

LIST - 32 WEEKS, 3 DAYS

I have an expanding list of things I want to talk about on here so I better get on with it before I forget what I wanted to say. It won't really flow as I'm following a list and will just write about each one.

Gas - with my first 2 pregnancies I always had gas going up and down but this time around I haven't suffered from it and luckily, so far, I haven't had any indigestion which is great.

Aches & Pains - everyone gets them I'm sure. This time I have been getting lower back ache if I've been standing for a long time but to be honest I get that when I'm not pregnant too. It isn't too bad though. The biggest issue is the burning, stinging, stabbing pelvis pain. Sometimes it is horrendous. The worse time by far is when trying to get comfy in bed or turning over, oh and getting dressed and undressed. It is so painful and you know you have to feel it as you have to move. So I just grit my teeth, feel the pain and usually groan or let out some air. It isn't nice and I will stop going on about it but I have to write about it as a reminder for next time! ;o)

Preparing siblings - I feel like I haven't done enough of this with Leo and too much with Ellis. Ellis is always asking when is baby Ben going to arrive, is it spring yet etc etc and Leo just knows that my tummy is called baby. Pretty sure he doesn't know that there is a baby in there and that it will be coming out and home with us. I think he will be in for the biggest shock. Ellis really wants to be a helper and I hope he does as I will need it.

Baby position - I pretty much have no idea of baby's position other than the fact that all movement, kicks, prods etc is down on my c-section scar and below. It is so strange how low it is and it doesn't feel nice at all. I know there is time for baby to get in a proper position but it would be nice to feel some good movements and legs/arms sticking out etc. I have a midwife appointment in just under a week so should know more then, hopefully.

Rob has actually looked into purchasing an ultra sound machine so that I can put my mind at rest as I obsess about it every day. They go for £900 which isn't bad really as you can re-sell it. I've told him not to obviously.

Size - I've been told conflicting things about how I look size wise. Some say I look massive then go on to say but it's all up front and you don't look pregnant from behind. One lady today said I hardly looked pregnant! People say I don't look like I have put on any extra weight! Seriously! It would be nice to be made to feel better but when you know you have gained so much extra fat on your arse and thighs and I'm bloated everywhere else, you wonder why people are fibbing so badly. ;o) I just have to look at my hands I know I'm big.

Getting ready - Right, so I've started to do the washing and ironing and putting the clothes into Leo's current room. All of Leo's clothes are now in with Ellis' which makes it so much easier. I've been out shopping and bought a few bits, ordered the mattress and bought myself some pads and arnica. I've written a very long list of stuff for the hospital bag but I don't remember taking that much stuff last time. I'll post the list on here soon. Need to do a birthing plan, clean the crib, finish sorting the clothes, sort out a car seat as current one is broken, pack hospital bag and I also need to work out what I'm going to do if labour starts and Rob is away etc. I mean Mum and Dad are 20 minutes drive away so add on getting out the house, 30 minutes, and Uncle Dave isn't much closer, if I can get hold of him. Sally has kindly said she would let me know when she could be free which is great as she is a lot closer, but it is still a worry. Hopefully it will start Friday afternoon or something, that way Rob will be home and I won't have to worry about any of it. I seem to have quite long labours but this time might be really fast, you just never know and it's best to be prepared.

AB Classes - went back to my first active birthing class on Tuesday. I made the silly mistake of walking down the very dark lane to get to the barn, ended up scaring the shit out of myself, causing me to run and hurt my pelvis. The class went well though. We heard a birth story at the beginning, drank tea, ate chocolate, talked about breathing techniques at the end for 2 minutes and introduced ourselves etc. It was really nice to be back but strange at the same time. I felt like a know it all and I sat there nodding my head a lot of the time. I'll keep going for now as it is nice to think about this baby and this pregnancy and I do need to get my head prepared for the labour of labour.

Appetite - this is going up and down and all over the place. Some days I really could just drink water all day and be fine, other days 2 chocolate bars, 3 packets of crips, tons of fruit etc are just not enough. I haven't weighed and I don't intend to until 35 weeks. I think with Leo I weighed a lot so was much more conscious of what was happening but this time I'm just going with the flow. Not worried about weight gain at all as long as I don't go stupid. I'm pretty sure I can lose it again with a bit of will power and I'm planning to do it by having an eating plan ready so that I can stick to it. It's something like this:

Breakfast - Porridge or Oat cereal with a banana

Fruit snack mid morning

Lunch - Sandwich with low fat crisps and yoghurt or soup with 2 bits of toast and yoghurt

Healthy mid afternoon snack

Dinner - Not overly fussed about this but pasta and sauce or fish or something like that.

I'll make sure to drink plenty of water too as I will hopefully be breastfeeding and will need to keep hydrated.

Cravings - I really want to be crunching away on some crushed ice just like I did with Leo but unfortunately we don't have the ice dispenser hooked up so no ice. :o(

Boobs - these things are massive but I'm still in my normal bras. I do have 4 boobs though and they barely cover my nipples, but I'm still in them. I will switch to my bigger bras soon.

Spots - maybe it is to do with my appetite/eating but I have suddenly started to get lots of spots again. I usually get a few spots anyway but in recent weeks I haven't had any so I noticed them when they returned. Hopefully they will go again soon.

Swollen - now this is going to sound very strange but I'm sure this is pretty normal that my down below bits are a bit swollen. I think I remember having it with Ellis but not sure. It isn't uncomfortable or anything but just a bit weird. My legs, hands, feet, face and neck are definitely puffy. I have bad sock marks and my stringy bit as I call it from my big toe is slowly disappearing. Plus you can feel that your skin is being stretched. Oh the joys of pregnancy!

The boys - as the time of the new arrival is fast approaching I've become really aware that my chance to spend quality time with the 2 boys is diminishing very quickly and I'm feeling a little bit sad about it. I'm really trying my best to give them lots of attention and one on one time as soon Mummy time will have to be split again. Hopefully Daddy will take up the slack in the first couple of weeks so that I can settle into some sort of routine so that I can still spend good time with them as well as keep on top of everything else. I know this isn't going to be easy but I'll cope. I'll have to.

Done - I'm still pregnant and I already think that I'm done, as in 3 boys will be enough for me. As much as I would love to have a little girl, I don't think I can go through all this again for the very slight chance that it might happen. I've always said I wouldn't have children just to have a certain sex, and I stand by that. I would never say never though and it is just left open for now. Would have to see how it all works out anyway. I would want a slightly bigger gap too as I think my body needs a rest from pregnancy and/or breastfeeding, which it has been doing since October 2006! I will get rid of some stuff after this one. I will keep some special outfits and things but everything else can go.

32 weeks - In general I'm feeling good. Up and down emotionally, very paranoid and I feel like I'm not working hard enough on some of my friendships but I'm just very consumed with everything right now. It sounds like a rubbish excuse but I just can't fit everything in. That doesn't mean that I'm too busy doing other stuff it just means that I can't cope with it all. My brain is overloaded.

I really have a good waddle going on now and I'm aware of my posture changing to a slightly leaning back position. I try to hold myself up high, pull in those pesky muscles and walk with my knees sometimes knocking. Sounds mental right?

I feel like I'm nearly at the end but I do have almost 8 weeks left, but they are ticking by so quickly. I'm trying to cherish the pregnancy but to be totally honest, apart from the pain in my pelvis and the horrible kicks to my bladder, I haven't really had too much time to think about it. I really want to make sure that I bond with this baby quite quickly and that I don't just see him as a little machine to deal with in amongst what I usually do, if that makes sense. I want him to be part of everything and not just a new chore. That sounds terrible I know but I'm just worried about spreading the love. I'm sure it will be just fine.

I have seriously waffled on but I did say my list was rather long. I must admit I did add to it as I went along.

Feeling happy but disorganised. Once I'm sorted out I will feel a lot more settled. I think I remember going through a phase like this with both pregnancies. Worrying about being a good Mum, worrying about everything really.

Going to put my feet up now and switch off for a bit.

25 WEEKS - 26 WEEKS, 3 DAYS

Right then here is my 25 week post when I am 26 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Better late than never!

Bump pictures and measurements first before chat.

Me with Ellis

Me with Leo

Me with Nugget.

Measurements with Leo

Weight = 12st 6lb
Tummy = 98cm
Upper arm = 29cm
Upper leg = 60cm
Ankle = 23.5cm
Neck = 33cm

Measurements with Nugget

Weight = 13st! (+1st 5lbs!!!! SHIT!) With Leo pregnancy I had put on 12lbs at this stage.

Tummy = 100cm

Upper arm = 29cm

Upper leg = 63cm

Ankle = 23.5cm

Neck = 33.5cm

So overall I am much bigger than my second pregnancy but I did start off from a higher level anyway. Never mind, I'm sure when I'm looking after 3 children aged 3 1/2 and below I won't have too much time to eat and the weight will come back off a bit quicker than before.

I've started to shop a bit for Nugget and I will soon be getting his room ready, after Christmas actually but I'm at least thinking about it.

The crib is in from the garage which needs a clean and I have to purchase a new mattress. I won't bother with mattress covers as I have loads. Will have lots of washing to do though.

I don't have much to buy really. The newborn vests and grows are barely used so they will be fine. The next size up I might get rid of some but then again I might not.

I managed to find a do do which I love. It's the same as Leo's but a different colour.

And I think I bought a coming home outfit as the one used for Leo and Ellis is too summery.

I've also bought a snow suit, which is lush! It isn't too thick so should get away with it for the first month. It didn't cost too much money so don't worry Sally.

I was supposed to see the physio and the midwife the week commencing 29th November but Leo was unwell, and still is, so I changed it and the midwife appointment was working out to be too much hassle right before Ellis' swimming lesson so I changed that too. She couldn't fit me in until 23rd December and I'll be just over 28 weeks by then. I haven't seen her since 16 weeks. That's a huge gap but normal for subsequent pregnancies apparently.

Pelvis pain has been up and down. Mostly up though and I can't complain. I do hobble about and I walk as though one leg is longer than the other. It also takes me a few steps when I get up to loosen up a bit so that I can walk freely. I haven't been wearing my stretchy bandage thing as I don't think I need it yet.

With this pregnancy I am certainly getting more painful muscle twinges. I only had it a couple of times with Leo. It's like an electric shock running down the right side of my belly button. I know it's to do with the diastases (which you can read about here) and it won't be getting better until baby is out.

Overall though at the moment I must admit that apart from hobbling and feeling a few twinges, stings etc I am feeling fine. I don't even notice I'm pregnant half the time and sometimes when I'm stretching first thing in the morning and Nugget gives me a "gentle" kick to the bladder I suddenly remember what is going on in there. Please don't think I don't think about him as I do, a lot.

My bump is massive! It really sticks out quite a long way, so does my arse and thighs mind you. I measured it yesterday, my bump that is, and I think I'm about 2 weeks over on my size! I hope I'm wrong. Ellis and Leo weren't huge babies though. They were both overdue, Leo was 8lb 1 1/2 ounces and Ellis was 7lb 13 1/2 ounces. Which is about average apparently.

I don't like the look of my bump this time for a few reasons. The excess skin from Leo hangs out at the bottom which is just plain weird and my stretch marks are horrific to me. I love looking at it with clothes on but unlike the first 2 pregnancies I tend to keep it covered up. I often catch Rob looking at it though and because I'm paranoid I think he is thinking the same thing but he says he loves it. He said he thinks it's the cutest bump I've had. That was sweet to say so.

Nugget is kicking a lot more but 99.9% of the movement is down towards my bladder and just above my pubic bone. It's very strange and I hope it moves up a bit soon so I can video some of the movement. I have had a go but it isn't working just yet. Still have time.

Boobs are huge too! They look funny really but I like them. Need to get down to Perfect Fit for a new under wired bra. I know I shouldn't be wearing one but I have to. I've not had any problems with milk supply with the first 2 and by the size of these things, I don't think I will this time either. I wonder how all that will go. When I got pregnant with Leo my boobs were still leaking and continued to do so for the whole pregnancy but this time they weren't leaking to start with and haven't started now either. Feeding Leo was a breeze in comparison to Ellis so I just hope we have the same again please.

I've started to get a bit of indigestion recently. Nothing major just a bit of acid reflux every now and then. I slept in a sitting up position the other night but that has only happened once. I'm sure more will come when baby grows a bit more.

Appetite is all over the place. Some days I'm so hungry I could just sit and eat but others like the last 2 days, I can take it or leave it.

I finally decided that I did want to go ahead with a 4d scan and so I am booked in to have one on the 18th December. I really can't wait! Mum's are coming too which will be nice and the boys are being looked after by Uncle Dave (Ellis) and Grandad Rennolds (Leo). We did want to go out for food after but Uncle Dave has to go out in the evening so we have to get back.

I am in 2 minds about posting the pictures and videos from the scan. I'm not sure if I want to keep my baby's face private or not. I share everything else (not the name) so was thinking about keeping that for us. But then I want to record it on here so I am having a dilemma. I'm pretty sure I will post it as I know very few people actually read this blog anyway.

We have also bought a new car again. Rob has picked it up but refuses to bring it back home until it has been cleaned as he is worried about my response. I know he likes it and he really wants me too, and I'm sure I will, but he just wants to make sure. It is a Land Rover Discovery 3, 2.7 tdi, 2004, automatic, dark blue, cream leather interior, it has TV screens in the back and lots of other stuff. This one we can't send back but the health check at the garage had a very positive report and we were lucky to get it as someone else couldn't get their funds together in time so it was offered to us instead. YAY!

Can't wait to meet my baba! But I'm also happy to wait if you know what I mean. I'll get a little glimpse in 9 days! That reminds me, I'm into double figures now for how long I have left. Scary stuff!

Going to start my Active Birthing classes soon and I would love for Naomi to come with me but pretty sure she isn't up for it. I just want her to come to one or two just to see what it's all about as I think you can be put off just by what it is called.

Starting my antenatal classes after Crimbo. I really want to go to them again as it's a bit of a refresher and hopefully I can help by sharing any experience that I may have. It's also nice to have a natter with other women in the same boat. I just hope that I can find someone to have the boys for me on a Tuesday morning! Any takers please?

Huge blog which I didn't really want to start but once I got going I couldn't stop! Definitely have preggers brain though as I sent a Christmas card to my sister with the name of her dog that she had put down a year ago on it and I tried to put Leo's slipper on his hand today! Very funny.

Off to chill for 2 minutes before going to bed. Doesn't make sense I know.