TONGUE BITING

I'm finding it really hard to bite my tongue. It's almost as though I feel like it isn't a secret and that it is already out there. Everyone knows and I can just talk about it. I hope I don't let it slip. I keep thinking, what if I just blurt it out mid conversation and see if anyone notices! I saw Charlotte and Sally on Tuesday and I just really, really wanted to tell them. I don't really like keeping it to myself.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and stuff and I'm not really all that worried at the moment. I'm really looking forward to the scan as long as everything is okay and I really do think we would find out the sex again. I don't think I could wait. I'm really impatient and I don't want to put myself through the frustration of not knowing. I'm already convinced it's another boy as I'm getting spots already and everything feels the same as it did with Leo.

My pelvis has already started to click and I am nursing it and stepping up my reps on my exercises. I made my booking in appointment with the midwife today so that makes it even more exciting and real. Especially when you get the yellow book. I'm trying hard to be excited and hopeful but not overly confident. I would be gutted if there isn't a baby growing healthily in there so I need to keep my realistic head on.

Generally I'm starting to feel a tired lull around mid morning, and I can feel things going on like boobs stinging, cramping, feeling hot etc etc. I can best describe it like a warm ball inside, low down. Almost like I'm having a period really. I had the same with Leo but I don't remember with Ellis. With Ellis I just had really, really sore boobs!

So much going on right now! Keeping me busy and occupied though.

TESTING

I don't really know where to start. So many things have been going on. I still haven't come on and I'm on day 37. Of course it is still very possible I will come on tomorrow or even the next day etc but yet again I have totally convinced myself that I am pregnant. I feel pregnant and I've had so many things happen that I believe are symptoms! I'm a crazy person I know and I should have done a test last night but I just couldn't.

The reason I couldn't do a test yesterday is because we decided we will be moving house in 6 weeks and I just didn't want to add to my plate yesterday. But I will have to do one tomorrow as I have the hen weekend.

I haven't had much discharge today which usually means that my period is coming but I will be surprised if it does. Stinging boobs, increased discharge for 2 days before today, crying all the time, niggly headache and I could not stop weeing yesterday and I didn't drink any more than I usually would. It's all coincidental I'm sure and I'll look like a right idiot tomorrow. I have to go and buy another test though as the 2 I have are out of date. I should have just done it yesterday.

LEG CRAMP

In each pregnancy I've suffered with cramp in my legs. Today I have had cramp on and off and it reminds me of what it was like. Could it be another symptom, along with stinging boobs and being able to cry at the drop of a hat, or is it just my stupid hormones playing tricks on me? Still a week before I find out unless the dreaded blob arrives earlier than last month. I'm on day 29.

I recently found out that a good friend of mine just had her 2nd missed miscarriage. She found out at a scan, ouch! It really isn't very nice and that is now 2 friends, having 2 miscarriages within months. I do obviously think that could be me too, even more this time. I've been so incredibly lucky. 2 positive pregnancy tests and 2 baby boys. Keeping my fingers crossed for a third soon please.

I have really been thinking a lot about if we are to find out the sex of the baby or not. I say and think that I don't really mind what we have. A girl would be lush but a boy would be great too. We wouldn't have to buy a thing for a boy and I have so much stuff! I just don't know if I could wait the whole 9/10 months to find out. I think I would feel very unprepared. Will have to wait and see.

TARGET

Due to the fact that I have been unwell I haven't been eating properly and I lost a few pounds. This morning I got on the scales and I was at target weight of 11st 7lbs. Strangely I wasn't all that pleased as I have now started eating again and I know it will all go on again and I'll be 12st again before I know it. It's up to me I know but I just don't have the will power at the moment.

Boobs still stinging quite a bit. Not my whole boob but just mainly the nipple. I think it's just because my milk is finally drying up and nothing else.

Due on next week ish. My cycle is all over the place, which I'm not used to so I suppose I just wait and wait.

THANK GOD!

Period now finished thank God. It was a horrible one. Hopefully I'm all cleared out and ready to have a baby in there now. Just need to get on with it I suppose. Working out any type of cycle is just going to be impossible so I might do the temperature thing and just keep an eye on my discharge.

On Thursday I saw Mum and she did her usual question of "not having any more?" and I had to really talk it up that I was going to get rid of the stuff etc. and that I was happy just being the 2 boys and that things were easier now and that I was just going to get on with living and not creating more life. I don't want to lie to her but I would like her to have a nice surprise.

I so want to tell everyone!

Feeling really down about my body size/shape. Need to just bite the bullet and get on with my diet and exercise now! I'm just finding it so hard. I'll get there in the end.

Still not sleeping well, not sure why really but it is really effecting me. Hopefully get a good night tonight but I doubt it as it is already quite late and I have to wait for Rob to get home from my Mum and Dad's to let him in.

Fingers crossed that this is the month. Will be tricky to hide if we do as I have a hen weekend and 3 weddings to get through but I could do it.

BAD

This is not a good period. So painful and heavy. I want it finished, now.

WET BLANKET

I was still in doubt until this morning! Period has officially arrived and it is horrid. Very painful and heavy almost immediately. Something was definitely odd this month but ah well. I've sort of stopped doing my head in about it. Well every now and then anyway.

Last night I was still thinking there could be a possibility, even after I saw a little bit of bright pink blood when I went to the loo. Could have just been some spotting? Well I am without doubt today and I'm pissy as hell!

Had a rough start really. Kids were playing up to my bad mood which always makes things that much worse. Ellis is in pre-school now and Leo is in bed so I'm having a sit down to write this. Then I'm going to go and scrub the windows I think.

I now have more time to sort out my eating and exercise and do measurements and weight etc

I really should stop complaining. I've had it easy in the past compaired to some and I do have 2 healthy, happy boys. I sound like such a wet blanket. SNAP OUT OF IT!

Rob has been really good about it. He has been giving me cuddles and phoned me a minute ago to ask how I was doing, which was nice.

I have now realised that I am unable to be relaxed and not worry, and not count days, and not find out when I'm ovulating etc. It just isn't possible for me and I clearly won't be able to relax until I see a little heart beat on the 12 week scan! NUTS!

I'm so excited about adding to our brood. I wasn't sure I was ready but I am now. I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple weeks and I can't wait to have another baby. I may have to though.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Been feeling really disappointed and confused since doing the test. If I'm not pregnant, which according to that I'm not, then where is my period? I have never missed a period, apart from when I was pregnant with the 2 boys and this will be the longest cycle ever! What is going on?

I think I'm on day 37 at the moment. Maybe I did the test too soon. I mean we only had sex 2 weeks ago. How long do I wait before I do another one? I just can't get my head around it all. I shouldn't really be doing my head in about it anyway. What will be will be and we said we would just be relaxed about it all and see what happens.

Went out tonight for Naomi's surprise 30th meal. I tried really hard to be my usual, trying to be funny self but I'm not sure I managed it. I didn't drink just in case which wasn't hard to hide as everyone barely had a drop anyway. It did help to keep my mind off it quite a lot but then again there were 2 pregnant ladies there so we talked about it a lot. I did get to feel Sally's baby moving though which was a highlight of the evening.

Right, need to get my make-up off and get to bed as I have to look after the little munchkins in the morning.

TACT

No period yet and I haven't done a test but I did buy one at least. Why do they put them in plain white boxes with huge bold lettering "PREGNANCY TEST". Luckily the shop was really quiet as I don't know how I would explain that away if I bumped into someone I knew.

I really want to keep it a secret for as long as possible if I am, but I'm just bursting to talk to everyone about it! I haven't even done a test yet!!!!

Yes, I'm crazy. But in a good way, I think ;o)

Slight head ache and hot flushes this morning, still normal discharge and I do think my boobs were tingling a little last night and look a bit fuller in my bra today! Not reading into it obviously :o)

Will do test this weekend some time.

TORTURE

Um, still no period but I am having a lot of hot flushes and just generally feeling like my core body temp is higher than normal. I should just do a test but I can't.

Just seen Sophie and Vivien and of course I had to talk to them about it. So exciting being able to share it especially with them. I would like to keep it a secret though. I don't even know if I am but I'm talking like I am. Put it this way, if the test is negative, I would be very surprised. :o)

I don't know why I'm torturing myself. Perhaps I like it!

DENIAL

I wonder how long I can leave it before doing a test?! How long can I keep denying it!? I really can't believe it if I am. It's crazy. One quicky at the end of my cycle and duddah!

Obviously that would be amazing and I am truly blessed to be able to get pregnant just like that when I know so many others struggle. I read a lot of infertility blogs and I really feel for them. I sort of understand why they feel so guilty now when they do get pregnant and get scared of announcing it so as not to upset their fellow blog readers. It's a tricky one.

I was thinking in the shower last night (which is where I do the most thinking) and I was suddenly feeling really guilty. I felt sorry for Ellis and Leo. They will have to share Mummy even more and I felt like I missed a bit of Ellis growing up when Leo was born as I was struggling to cope with a new baby. I don't want to miss a moment of them growing up! What will be different this time? It will be hard but I think it wont be as big a shock as going from one to two. With Rob still being away 3 nights a week will make things that bit harder and we still haven't found a house we like. There is just nothing coming on! I'm sure it will all work out.

I weighed this morning. Not happy at all. I was 11st 12lbs. 5lbs over my target weight! Rob has set up running machine now so hopefully will start on that soon.

NOPE

No discharge today which is usually a sure sign that my period will start either tomorrow or the next day which is when I'm due anyway. Pretty certain we didn't do it this month.

Really not feeling well still. Achy body and fatigued. Hopefully feel better tomorrow, although if my period arrives I doubt I will be too happy about that.

KEEP COOL CRAZY WOMAN!

I really didn't want to be doing this but I just can't stop thinking about it and getting my hopes up! It's crazy what TTC can do to you.

Just need to keep my cool and expect my period on the weekend.

PERIOD PAINS

Been getting such horrible period type pains today. Not nice. The thing is, I'm not due on until Sunday, maybe Monday so bit early to be getting pains and my discharge is still normal too. A bit more than normal I suppose though. How strange. I'm not reading into things, honest!

MIGHT BE?

I might be pregnant! How crazy is that! Basically we started trying for Nugget earlier than originally planned. I just thought I'm right at the end of my cycle, what are the chances!? I suppose it only takes one time. Time will tell. Very excited if I am.

I haven't taken a 0 week picture for a few reasons. Obviously we have already started trying and I haven't taken one yet but I will do. I'm just really disappointed in myself. I haven't got rid of my baby weight from Leo yet which I'm not happy about. I know it's down to me to do and I did get within 3/4 lbs of my target weight but then I just put it all back on. Still have 1/2 a stone to go to target weight. I wanted to do measurements like last time as a comparison but I'm not sure I want to see the differences.

I finished feeding Leo a while ago now and my milk has dried up which is strange as they have been leaking since I first got pregnant with Ellis in 2006! My boobs aren't what they once were and I don't like them but Rob does so that's good. They are still the same size but certainly not the same shape.

My biggest worry is the size of my flabby belly. Fat and skin. And the skin is horrible as it is covered in stretch marks. Not a pleasant sight and I suppose I should try and get used to it.

Really looking forward to being pregnant again and who knows in 2 weeks time I might be! I really don't think so though. I don't think I'm going to bother working out my ovulation dates and stuff this time. I might just leave it to fate. See what happens. I don't want to be living my life by a monthly cycle and getting my hopes up all the time. I also don't want my thoughts taken over with am I or aren't I etc.

Most people will be surprised I think although those closest to me probably won't be. Charlotte hasn't been convinced by my crappy lies about not having any more babies and there are quite a few people that know we are going for a 3rd. Most of the AB girls know, my yoga lot and Caroline. That's quite a lot really. I won't tell them I'm actually pregnant though until I've told family and a few other important people in my life.

I keep thinking I would like to do things different this time. Not calculating my ovulation dates is one already, not telling anyone is different too. Also I thought I might do the test on my own and then tell Rob in a nice way, some how. Or I might not tell anyone and just wait for bump to tell everyone. I wonder how far along I could get before anyone asks? Not long with a gut my size already.

My last period came and went with no problems. It wasn't heavy or that painful which was good.

I was starting to get a bit impatient with waiting until the end of May but now that we have brought it forward a bit I'm okay. I think due date if we were successful this month would be early February. Not sure and I'm not going to be doing that every month either. Plus I have loads of events and things coming up this summer that I will need to make sure if I'm pregnant or not before I go. I have a hen weekend, a pre hen night, 2 weddings etc etc.

Today I went shopping and I bought a dress for the weddings! I'm really stupid as I might not be fitting them in 2 months time so I'm going to have to take them back and going shopping nearer the time.

It's all good though and I'm feeling rather positive about it all. Yes it will be very hard, extremely hard even, but I think the shock of going from 1-2 kids is going to be far greater than just adding to the bunch. Bring it on!

PERIOD FINISHED

I weighed tonight, after dinner and I was 11st 13lb so hopefully in the morning I'll be less than that. The diet is going really well apart from today as I have eaten loads of Easter egg, but generally speaking I am finding it easier. I don't think about it all day and I'm not eating stuff just for the sake of it. I'm pleased about that as now I know my weight will steadily start to go down and I will feel happier about it.

My first period has now finished. The first 3 days were horrible but after that it was fine. Not looking forward to the next one.

I said to Rob today, "should we just start this month?", I was only kidding though as my due date if we were successful would be 2nd January 2011 and I think that is way too close to Christmas.

I really can't wait to be pregnant again, and to go through that whole experience. I hope everything runs smoothly. Of course I am worried about coping with 3 but I'm sure it will be fine. Ellis will be that bit older and will be going to pre-school at least 3 days a week and depending on when baby is born, Leo will be in pre-school not long after etc. I think it will be fine, hard, but fine.

ONLY 10 DAYS!

I have so much that I want to write about but I'm aware that I wanted to keep these blog entries short and sweet, well short anyway.

My periods haven't yet returned and I'm putting that down to the fact that I'm still feeding Leo 3 times a day. I certainly get a lot of the old pains down there but nothing to show for it.

I keep accidentally forgetting to take my pill or taking it late. Our sex life isn't exactly at its greatest so I'm not too worried and always tell Rob when I have missed one as like I said before I don't want to be accused of anything untoward.

I have been trying, not too hard, to put people off of the idea that I will be having any more children. I'm quite sure that no one believes me but ah well.

All of the trying to put people off was actually starting to put me off too! I have been having a huge struggle with Ellis recently and I have found it all too much at times. To even consider adding to my work load seemed insane, but as soon as I have a good day I just know that I want more.

I really need to talk to Rob about it all again but there just never seems to be a good time at the moment. Basically if we want a similar age gap between Leo and Nugget, we would need to start trying at the end of May, which would mean coming off my pill and starting folic acid at the end of this month! That's only 10 days away!

I really wanted to improve my fitness before hand but I just don't have the time or energy for it at the moment. My weight remains around 12st but I'm sure in 3 months I could have that down to 11st 7lbs. Once we have decided a time we are going to start trying, then I will have a goal. I work so much better when I have an aim.

Would really love to move house now. I would love bigger rooms for the boys, a room for all the computer rubbish and a nicer garden by the summer. We are looking but nothing has really grabbed us. I'm quite excited about moving.

That's it for now. I have loads more I want to put but feeling a bit too tired now.

IT'S NOT WORKING!

I don't think putting people off the scent is actually working.

Met up with my Mummy group on Friday night and I mentioned about Sharon having another one and she said that she thought it would more likely be me and then Charlotte started to say that she thinks I will still have another, even though I have said I wont. She doesn't believe me. None of them would be surprised if we had another. They would all think we were completely mental though.

I think my parents are also not so sure. They both keep dropping hints into conversations about Leo being the last baby in the family etc. We will see, he might be as we haven't definitely decided yet.

I so need to start getting myself fit and ready. The diet starts again tomorrow and I'm hoping to go to circuit training on Wednesday but I'm actually starting to think that that may be a bit too much to start with and perhaps I should try something a little calmer to start with. Mainly because my pelvis still isn't that great and my stomach muscles from the diastase recti are dodgy too. Not sure.

If we were going to plan to have a similar age gap to Leo and Ellis we would need to start trying around 1st June. So that is the date. I would need to start folic acid and come off my pill 3 months before that. Also I am still breast feeding 3/4 times a day so my periods haven't come back yet, not sure what to do about that. Although saying that, this week I had some funny discharge and I have been having a lot of cramping pains and bad back etc so maybe I'm having a period but with nothing to show for it. I kind of remember that happening last time. I may start to give Leo a bottle for 1 feed and see if that makes any difference. I don't really want them to come back but I would be good to know that my body is working okay etc.

I enjoy keeping a diary. It's nice to get rid of some of these secret thoughts. I'm so excited and always planning in my head for it all, how will I tell people?, how long could I keep it secret?, would I find out what sex it is?, how long will it take to conceive this time?, will everything go smoothly like Ellis and Leo?, so many questions!

We haven't spoken about it again since Christmas and I don't know how Rob feels about it all at the moment. He hasn't mentioned it and he did say that "if" we are going to do it, we should just get on with it. What does that mean? Now or later?

A few days ago I did ask him if he wanted to have another child with me. He said that he did. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't just do it for me as I would hate to think that he wasn't 100% happy with the idea. It's a HUGE commitment.

Time will tell.

OFF THE SCENT

The other night Rob was talking to his friend Huw about having another baby. He basically said we were seriously thinking about it and that we would have an Oscar Scan this time. I will post about this later on.

Not feeling scared about it now actually. Feeling rather excited about the prospect of adding to our family.

Recently I have started to put people off the scent that we will have any more children. Mainly my Mum and close friends as I would like to surprise them. I've told Mum that Rob and I talked about it over Christmas and have decided not to have any more. I even went as far to say that I was thinking of getting rid of the baby stuff in the loft etc.

I haven't managed to get my weight down yet and still have 1/2 a stone to go. I'm not really trying that hard yet though. Need to get on with it and start some fitness too. I was talking to Charlotte today at Mummy afternoon and I think I may try and go to circuit training on a Wednesday night. Will look into that.

My periods haven't returned yet and I suppose that's because I'm still feeding Leo about 4 times a day. I feel like they should though. I get hot flushes and aches and pains in all the right places and I'm quite sure I get mood swings and spots once a month, although Rob would argue I always have mood swings.

I want to try and keep these entries short and sweet so that when I tell people about the new blog, they wont have too much to read back on. Not that any of my friends will have any time or interest in reading back through it.

I'm not putting myself under any pressure to keep up to date with this blog either. I might not even share it and just keep it as a private diary. I'll think about it.

I so know that I want more kids. Yeh it's well hard work and some days I have no idea what I am doing but I do love it and I'm sure it will be easier as they get older. Obviously the teenage years are tricky but I can do it. I do not want to wish the time away, it will go soon enough.

GO AHEAD!

This afternoon, Rob gave the go ahead for Nugget! I was very shocked by it really. It came out of the blue. He was sat reading to Ellis and Leo and then just suddenly turned to me and said, "I think we should just get on with it!". He said he liked the age gap we have between the 2 boys and wondered when we would have to start trying to have a similar gap, and that he had been thinking about it recently. I said that my periods haven't come back yet and that we would need to start trying around May time. He said it could take ages this time and may not even happen at all. He is right although in the back of your mind you always think it wont be me.

Now I'm scared! I'm always the same. I want something really badly but because I know it may not happen that is fine, but then when I'm faced with the reality, I run scared!

I can't believe he said that! It's lush!

Some things need to change though. I could not take care of 3 young children on my own all week. I could do it I expect but I would be a mess and the kids wouldn't turn out too good for it. Rob needs to be around more. We need a bigger house too which would put extra pressure on Rob to earn.

I want to get mega fit too before we conceive as I will have to be on top form to go through another pregnancy with 2 little ones. I can't even picture it as something that might happen.

I don't think anyone would be that surprised that we had another. I would hope not to upset a few people who I know have been trying for a while to have a baby.

It's funny as this evening I spoke to Mum on the phone and I said that we were in the shower which is why Dad was left waiting outside! She said "oh yeh, trying for your little girl already are you?!" Mum certainly wouldn't be surprised and I'm sure my Dad thinks we will have more.

It's a huge thing. I can't stop thinking about it. Perhaps I'll talk myself out of it. I think if Rob had his way he would just do it now! I'm so fat and unfit that it would just be stupid of me to take it on now. Plus Leo barely sleeps in blocks of 5 hours at night so I am shattered as it is. I would love a little girl though. I can't see myself with one. I'm sure I will have 3 boys, which would be pretty wicked too.

I'm lost for words really. I thought I would really have to talk him into it. But he just came out with it. I'm shocked but happy that the decision is now down to me. I'm shit at making decisions!!!!!