1ST PERIOD

I have been thinking about doing this entry for days. I have so much I want to note down but feel that it might go on a bit too long.

Recently Leo has been playing up while I have been trying to feed him so I decided to stop feeding him. I didn't feed him for one day, and the following morning my period started. It's horrid! I forgot! I haven't had one since August 2008. The period arriving is also a good thing as I can work out my cycle now.

Since starting my period my appetite has diminished but I am still 12st. I have been eating a lot better recently so I will hopefully keep up the good work and get my weight down a bit. The main thing is I really need to be doing some exercise. I just can't find the extra energy to do it. I sort of have the motivation. I mean getting pregnant again should be a big kick up the bum, but actually I just think, well I'm going to get big again anyway. Plus I still don't think it has really hit me that we are going to be doing it all again.

My body right now disgusts me. I'm fat and flabby, with horrible stretch marks and a big bag of skin. After having Ellis it wasn't like this. I think the fact that I had a previous c-section which I'm sure affected my stomach muscles, which made me have diastasis recti, has made the left over baby bump that much more flabby. I really need to move my fat dimply arse and get fit, and soon.

A funny story about my folic acid. I keep it on top of the unit in the en-suite, and the other day my Mum went looking around the house for some pain killers and she found some on top of the unit. She must have seen the packet and box but I'm not sure she would have put 2 and 2 together. She didn't say anything to me either which I am sure she would have if she thought I was thinking of getting pregnant again.

A few people know about baby number 3, one of them being Sophie who I met in my active birthing group with Leo. It is really nice to be able to chat about it all with someone. She was over last Friday and we had a good old natter about it and I was getting quite excited about it again.

I'm sure most of my friends will think I'm totally mental, and I think I may be for at least the first few years but in the long run it will be wicked. It will be tough going but worth it all.

I have already been thinking ahead to coming events to see how I may have to get around them. Like parties and hen do's, wedding etc etc. In recent months I've been drinking so it will be quite tricky to suddenly not be. We will see. Rob and I certainly aren't in a rush to get pregnant this time so it could take a while longer than the last 2 times. With Rob being away it will likely take longer anyway.

Right I'll stop now. I kept it very brief and not really from the heart as there was a lot more I wanted to express but it doesn't matter.

NO PILL

The first day of not taking my pill. It feels strange. I keep seeing the packet in the window and go to take it and then realise that I'm not any more and that I will soon be trying for a baby. Very strange.

Leo had his first bottle of formula feed today. I had to warm it up but he done in 4oz and then I topped him up. He did really well seeing as he hasn't had a bottle for ages and has never had formula before. Not sure if I will do the afternoon feed in a bottle or not yet. I have an hour to decide.

I weighed this morning and I am still 12st. I'm not worried, I'm eating okay and as soon as my finger feels better I will do some exercise. I think stopping breastfeeding will also help, it did last time anyway.

The only people who know for sure that Rob and I are going to try for another baby are my yoga girls. I tell them everything and they are a pretty good sounding board, if that is the right phrase. There is the potential that 3 of us may be pregnant at the same time again which will be wicked.

I was sorting out the washing yesterday and there was loads! I said to Rob "imagine what it will be like when the next one is here!". It didn't feel weird at all, quite natural in fact. I will also need another clothes horse!

Another thing happened yesterday, we were on our way home from Rob's Mum's after having had lunch there and I said to him that I was stopping the pill tomorrow and he said why! That man loves to wind people up, mainly me. He smiled and I said you still up for it and have we agreed, to which he replied yes we have agreed. I'm sure he wouldn't any way, but I wouldn't want him to have more children just because of me. I think he would have certainly put up a fight if he wasn't sure etc. I really don't want to have that argument in the future when I'm moaning about how hard it is for him to then say, "well it was you that wanted another one!".

AGREED

Well it has been talked about and agreed to try for another baby. It's so exciting and I don't feel scared at all. I'm sure I will when and if the time comes. Basically I asked Rob to read my last entry and then said, well? He said he was still up for it.

So today I took my last pill for hopefully a very long time. I have 3 months to get fitter, loose the rest of the baby weight and take folic acid, which reminds me that I need to buy some.

I have broken my finger at the moment so it may be a bit hard to get too physical with any type of fitness but I will start soon.

I'm also going to start weaning Leo on to a bottle tomorrow so that I can get my periods back and start working out my cycle.

It may take us a bit longer than last time because Rob is away during the week. 4 nights a week, and not in a row, may make conceiving a bit trickier, but time will tell

I've still been putting people off the idea that we will have any more and I find people's responses quite funny. Some blatantly don't believe me, others say they think I would be stupid to have any more because of Rob being away etc, some think 2 is enough, and loads more.

I know life will be crazy hard for a few years but I just think about what it will be like when they are all a bit older. I can't wait for crazy Christmas and birthday parties, great family holidays etc etc.

Pregnancy certainly takes its toll on my body and I'm really not looking forward to all the aches and pains that come along with carrying a baby. I will get through it though. I can't wait to feel the baby move and to see what it looks like when it arrives.

Trying very hard to keep this diary brief for now.

ONLY 10 DAYS!

I have so much that I want to write about but I'm aware that I wanted to keep these blog entries short and sweet, well short anyway.

My periods haven't yet returned and I'm putting that down to the fact that I'm still feeding Leo 3 times a day. I certainly get a lot of the old pains down there but nothing to show for it.

I keep accidentally forgetting to take my pill or taking it late. Our sex life isn't exactly at its greatest so I'm not too worried and always tell Rob when I have missed one as like I said before I don't want to be accused of anything untoward.

I have been trying, not too hard, to put people off of the idea that I will be having any more children. I'm quite sure that no one believes me but ah well.

All of the trying to put people off was actually starting to put me off too! I have been having a huge struggle with Ellis recently and I have found it all too much at times. To even consider adding to my work load seemed insane, but as soon as I have a good day I just know that I want more.

I really need to talk to Rob about it all again but there just never seems to be a good time at the moment. Basically if we want a similar age gap between Leo and Nugget, we would need to start trying at the end of May, which would mean coming off my pill and starting folic acid at the end of this month! That's only 10 days away!

I really wanted to improve my fitness before hand but I just don't have the time or energy for it at the moment. My weight remains around 12st but I'm sure in 3 months I could have that down to 11st 7lbs. Once we have decided a time we are going to start trying, then I will have a goal. I work so much better when I have an aim.

Would really love to move house now. I would love bigger rooms for the boys, a room for all the computer rubbish and a nicer garden by the summer. We are looking but nothing has really grabbed us. I'm quite excited about moving.

That's it for now. I have loads more I want to put but feeling a bit too tired now.

DIET 2

12st this morning. Only 7 lbs to go. Was supposed to be going to circuit training tonight but had a bad night with the boys and an early start so maybe I'll stay home and work out on the Wii Fit.

I forgot to take my pill yesterday. Doh! Sent Rob a text to let him know as I don't want to be accused of accidentally on purpose getting pregnant. I'm a planner and that wouldn't be a good plan.

DIET

Right that is it! Got on the scales this morning, 12st 5lb! Can't believe it, but I suppose I should have expected it seeing as I can't stop stuffing my face.

I'm going to really start trying to cut down and to eat some good food for a change. Watch this space!

IT'S NOT WORKING!

I don't think putting people off the scent is actually working.

Met up with my Mummy group on Friday night and I mentioned about Sharon having another one and she said that she thought it would more likely be me and then Charlotte started to say that she thinks I will still have another, even though I have said I wont. She doesn't believe me. None of them would be surprised if we had another. They would all think we were completely mental though.

I think my parents are also not so sure. They both keep dropping hints into conversations about Leo being the last baby in the family etc. We will see, he might be as we haven't definitely decided yet.

I so need to start getting myself fit and ready. The diet starts again tomorrow and I'm hoping to go to circuit training on Wednesday but I'm actually starting to think that that may be a bit too much to start with and perhaps I should try something a little calmer to start with. Mainly because my pelvis still isn't that great and my stomach muscles from the diastase recti are dodgy too. Not sure.

If we were going to plan to have a similar age gap to Leo and Ellis we would need to start trying around 1st June. So that is the date. I would need to start folic acid and come off my pill 3 months before that. Also I am still breast feeding 3/4 times a day so my periods haven't come back yet, not sure what to do about that. Although saying that, this week I had some funny discharge and I have been having a lot of cramping pains and bad back etc so maybe I'm having a period but with nothing to show for it. I kind of remember that happening last time. I may start to give Leo a bottle for 1 feed and see if that makes any difference. I don't really want them to come back but I would be good to know that my body is working okay etc.

I enjoy keeping a diary. It's nice to get rid of some of these secret thoughts. I'm so excited and always planning in my head for it all, how will I tell people?, how long could I keep it secret?, would I find out what sex it is?, how long will it take to conceive this time?, will everything go smoothly like Ellis and Leo?, so many questions!

We haven't spoken about it again since Christmas and I don't know how Rob feels about it all at the moment. He hasn't mentioned it and he did say that "if" we are going to do it, we should just get on with it. What does that mean? Now or later?

A few days ago I did ask him if he wanted to have another child with me. He said that he did. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't just do it for me as I would hate to think that he wasn't 100% happy with the idea. It's a HUGE commitment.

Time will tell.

OFF THE SCENT

The other night Rob was talking to his friend Huw about having another baby. He basically said we were seriously thinking about it and that we would have an Oscar Scan this time. I will post about this later on.

Not feeling scared about it now actually. Feeling rather excited about the prospect of adding to our family.

Recently I have started to put people off the scent that we will have any more children. Mainly my Mum and close friends as I would like to surprise them. I've told Mum that Rob and I talked about it over Christmas and have decided not to have any more. I even went as far to say that I was thinking of getting rid of the baby stuff in the loft etc.

I haven't managed to get my weight down yet and still have 1/2 a stone to go. I'm not really trying that hard yet though. Need to get on with it and start some fitness too. I was talking to Charlotte today at Mummy afternoon and I think I may try and go to circuit training on a Wednesday night. Will look into that.

My periods haven't returned yet and I suppose that's because I'm still feeding Leo about 4 times a day. I feel like they should though. I get hot flushes and aches and pains in all the right places and I'm quite sure I get mood swings and spots once a month, although Rob would argue I always have mood swings.

I want to try and keep these entries short and sweet so that when I tell people about the new blog, they wont have too much to read back on. Not that any of my friends will have any time or interest in reading back through it.

I'm not putting myself under any pressure to keep up to date with this blog either. I might not even share it and just keep it as a private diary. I'll think about it.

I so know that I want more kids. Yeh it's well hard work and some days I have no idea what I am doing but I do love it and I'm sure it will be easier as they get older. Obviously the teenage years are tricky but I can do it. I do not want to wish the time away, it will go soon enough.

GO AHEAD!

This afternoon, Rob gave the go ahead for Nugget! I was very shocked by it really. It came out of the blue. He was sat reading to Ellis and Leo and then just suddenly turned to me and said, "I think we should just get on with it!". He said he liked the age gap we have between the 2 boys and wondered when we would have to start trying to have a similar gap, and that he had been thinking about it recently. I said that my periods haven't come back yet and that we would need to start trying around May time. He said it could take ages this time and may not even happen at all. He is right although in the back of your mind you always think it wont be me.

Now I'm scared! I'm always the same. I want something really badly but because I know it may not happen that is fine, but then when I'm faced with the reality, I run scared!

I can't believe he said that! It's lush!

Some things need to change though. I could not take care of 3 young children on my own all week. I could do it I expect but I would be a mess and the kids wouldn't turn out too good for it. Rob needs to be around more. We need a bigger house too which would put extra pressure on Rob to earn.

I want to get mega fit too before we conceive as I will have to be on top form to go through another pregnancy with 2 little ones. I can't even picture it as something that might happen.

I don't think anyone would be that surprised that we had another. I would hope not to upset a few people who I know have been trying for a while to have a baby.

It's funny as this evening I spoke to Mum on the phone and I said that we were in the shower which is why Dad was left waiting outside! She said "oh yeh, trying for your little girl already are you?!" Mum certainly wouldn't be surprised and I'm sure my Dad thinks we will have more.

It's a huge thing. I can't stop thinking about it. Perhaps I'll talk myself out of it. I think if Rob had his way he would just do it now! I'm so fat and unfit that it would just be stupid of me to take it on now. Plus Leo barely sleeps in blocks of 5 hours at night so I am shattered as it is. I would love a little girl though. I can't see myself with one. I'm sure I will have 3 boys, which would be pretty wicked too.

I'm lost for words really. I thought I would really have to talk him into it. But he just came out with it. I'm shocked but happy that the decision is now down to me. I'm shit at making decisions!!!!!

BABY NUMBER 3?

I'm definitely crazy but I have started this blog when Leo is only 5 months old. I only wanted to check that the name growing nugget hadn't been used yet but thought I would post an entry too.

Not even thinking about having another baby, still getting over having Leo. Things have really settled down at home now and although we don't have a set routine, the day goes pretty well.

If we were to think about adding to the brood I would need to get super fit beforehand and we would need a bigger house. It wouldn't be a necessity but would be very nice.

Things I would change for next time:

Private Scan for Downs Syndrome
4D scan
Probably wouldn't find out the sex of the baby
Would try and take Mum's to one scan
Would take boys along to scan and get them involved as much as possible
Would maintain some form of exercise to help pelvis pain
Do a cast of tummy as I'm sure it would be the last time
Try and keep it secret for a longer length of time

Things I would do the same:

Natural child birth
Weekly bump pictures
Measurements
Keep the name a secret
Would love to do yoga or Active Birth class but not sure if I could fit that in
Probably find out the sex

I will add to the lists as and I when I think of anything.

I'm nuts!