SMIRKING

I personally think that there isn't a chance in hell that we succeeded this month but I have to keep smirking to myself as I read into things. My boobs have been stinging and I'm sure I can see a blue vein sticking out and my discharge seems a bit strange.

I swear if we get a positive test this month, I will die laughing. Not that it is a laughing matter but I'm so sure we aren't that I will be laughing with shock!

MISSED

Defo missed it now. Hubby pissy with me so it wasn't to be tonight. Another month gone. Which means bigger age gap between Leo and Nugget, BOO!

Shit happens.

BABY BOAT

Think we missed the baby boat this cycle. Mainly because I've been ill but also because Rob works away so much! Think that may really hinder the active trying! Ah well, what will be will be.

Feeling a bit better today. Not great but not dying either. Hopefully on the mend now. Just need to eat more and get some energy back.

Rob's home tomorrow night and he already has his orders! He certainly isn't complaining! Haha!

Sally gave birth to her little boy this morning, 18 days early! William James, 6lb 12oz. I so want to hear her birth story but I will just have to be patient. Certainly getting broody now!

ILL

Feeling really ill at the moment. I haven't felt this bad since I had my chest infection one Christmas. My body is just hurting. Thankfully Rob is helping out.

That didn't stop us having an attempt last night though, although tonight may be out of the question. Basically because my cycle is up the swanny we just have to do it all the time! Maybe tomorrow instead.

THANK GOD!

Period now finished thank God. It was a horrible one. Hopefully I'm all cleared out and ready to have a baby in there now. Just need to get on with it I suppose. Working out any type of cycle is just going to be impossible so I might do the temperature thing and just keep an eye on my discharge.

On Thursday I saw Mum and she did her usual question of "not having any more?" and I had to really talk it up that I was going to get rid of the stuff etc. and that I was happy just being the 2 boys and that things were easier now and that I was just going to get on with living and not creating more life. I don't want to lie to her but I would like her to have a nice surprise.

I so want to tell everyone!

Feeling really down about my body size/shape. Need to just bite the bullet and get on with my diet and exercise now! I'm just finding it so hard. I'll get there in the end.

Still not sleeping well, not sure why really but it is really effecting me. Hopefully get a good night tonight but I doubt it as it is already quite late and I have to wait for Rob to get home from my Mum and Dad's to let him in.

Fingers crossed that this is the month. Will be tricky to hide if we do as I have a hen weekend and 3 weddings to get through but I could do it.

BAD

This is not a good period. So painful and heavy. I want it finished, now.

WET BLANKET

I was still in doubt until this morning! Period has officially arrived and it is horrid. Very painful and heavy almost immediately. Something was definitely odd this month but ah well. I've sort of stopped doing my head in about it. Well every now and then anyway.

Last night I was still thinking there could be a possibility, even after I saw a little bit of bright pink blood when I went to the loo. Could have just been some spotting? Well I am without doubt today and I'm pissy as hell!

Had a rough start really. Kids were playing up to my bad mood which always makes things that much worse. Ellis is in pre-school now and Leo is in bed so I'm having a sit down to write this. Then I'm going to go and scrub the windows I think.

I now have more time to sort out my eating and exercise and do measurements and weight etc

I really should stop complaining. I've had it easy in the past compaired to some and I do have 2 healthy, happy boys. I sound like such a wet blanket. SNAP OUT OF IT!

Rob has been really good about it. He has been giving me cuddles and phoned me a minute ago to ask how I was doing, which was nice.

I have now realised that I am unable to be relaxed and not worry, and not count days, and not find out when I'm ovulating etc. It just isn't possible for me and I clearly won't be able to relax until I see a little heart beat on the 12 week scan! NUTS!

I'm so excited about adding to our brood. I wasn't sure I was ready but I am now. I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple weeks and I can't wait to have another baby. I may have to though.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Been feeling really disappointed and confused since doing the test. If I'm not pregnant, which according to that I'm not, then where is my period? I have never missed a period, apart from when I was pregnant with the 2 boys and this will be the longest cycle ever! What is going on?

I think I'm on day 37 at the moment. Maybe I did the test too soon. I mean we only had sex 2 weeks ago. How long do I wait before I do another one? I just can't get my head around it all. I shouldn't really be doing my head in about it anyway. What will be will be and we said we would just be relaxed about it all and see what happens.

Went out tonight for Naomi's surprise 30th meal. I tried really hard to be my usual, trying to be funny self but I'm not sure I managed it. I didn't drink just in case which wasn't hard to hide as everyone barely had a drop anyway. It did help to keep my mind off it quite a lot but then again there were 2 pregnant ladies there so we talked about it a lot. I did get to feel Sally's baby moving though which was a highlight of the evening.

Right, need to get my make-up off and get to bed as I have to look after the little munchkins in the morning.

EH?

TACT

No period yet and I haven't done a test but I did buy one at least. Why do they put them in plain white boxes with huge bold lettering "PREGNANCY TEST". Luckily the shop was really quiet as I don't know how I would explain that away if I bumped into someone I knew.

I really want to keep it a secret for as long as possible if I am, but I'm just bursting to talk to everyone about it! I haven't even done a test yet!!!!

Yes, I'm crazy. But in a good way, I think ;o)

Slight head ache and hot flushes this morning, still normal discharge and I do think my boobs were tingling a little last night and look a bit fuller in my bra today! Not reading into it obviously :o)

Will do test this weekend some time.

TORTURE

Um, still no period but I am having a lot of hot flushes and just generally feeling like my core body temp is higher than normal. I should just do a test but I can't.

Just seen Sophie and Vivien and of course I had to talk to them about it. So exciting being able to share it especially with them. I would like to keep it a secret though. I don't even know if I am but I'm talking like I am. Put it this way, if the test is negative, I would be very surprised. :o)

I don't know why I'm torturing myself. Perhaps I like it!

MESSED UP

I think I may have messed up my dates. Last period was 30th April and my cycle is about 33 days long, so there is still a possibility I could come on tomorrow or the next day. I will do test on Friday if I haven't come on by then.

DENIAL

I wonder how long I can leave it before doing a test?! How long can I keep denying it!? I really can't believe it if I am. It's crazy. One quicky at the end of my cycle and duddah!

Obviously that would be amazing and I am truly blessed to be able to get pregnant just like that when I know so many others struggle. I read a lot of infertility blogs and I really feel for them. I sort of understand why they feel so guilty now when they do get pregnant and get scared of announcing it so as not to upset their fellow blog readers. It's a tricky one.

I was thinking in the shower last night (which is where I do the most thinking) and I was suddenly feeling really guilty. I felt sorry for Ellis and Leo. They will have to share Mummy even more and I felt like I missed a bit of Ellis growing up when Leo was born as I was struggling to cope with a new baby. I don't want to miss a moment of them growing up! What will be different this time? It will be hard but I think it wont be as big a shock as going from one to two. With Rob still being away 3 nights a week will make things that bit harder and we still haven't found a house we like. There is just nothing coming on! I'm sure it will all work out.

I weighed this morning. Not happy at all. I was 11st 12lbs. 5lbs over my target weight! Rob has set up running machine now so hopefully will start on that soon.