RAMBLINGS OF A MAD WOMAN - 6 DAYS OLD

Midwife finally arrived, Sue, and she ran through a few things. Didn't check his cord but did do the heel prick test which went really well. She put his foot in some warm water first and then pricked it. He jumped but didn't cry. The blood flowed rather than her squeezing the foot to pieces like they did with Leo and it was actually not that bad.

She asked me some questions and we talked a bit about breastfeeding and that was it. I will get a phone call on Thursday and another visit after that and I expect that will be it.

Last night wasn't a particularly good night. He woke up and fed but then wouldn't go back off so I was awake for just over 2 hours feeding, changing, burping and trying to put him back down. We didn't have the heating on last night so don't know if that made any difference.

Feeling very sad today. For lots of reasons. Feeling happy too obviously but these bloody hormones, which I'm blaming by the way are causing havoc with my emotions. I'm sad because I won't be pregnant again but also relived about that, I'm sad that I will never experience giving birth again, but also relived about that, I'm sad that Rob works so far away and it makes me nervous to think about how I will cope on my own, I'm sad that everyone is ill and that we don't have any get up and go, I'm nervous about going out, generally worried about everything and very teary. I don't feel tired as such but I feel worn out. Not sure that makes sense. I look in the mirror and see this yellow, hanging thing, and that's me! Not really sure what to do with myself. I'm still a bit wheezy and chesty and I'm very annoyed that we haven't got a name for Baba yet. My head is working overtime and my body can't keep up. I can't even get my head around having visitors. People are asking to pop in and I'm getting worried about, strange I know. Like I said, just generally worrying about stuff and keep crying about it all. I sort of remember feeling like this last time and I know it will pass, which is what I keep telling myself but it's hard to live through it.

I'm very concious of the fact that this baby may be the last and I want to cherish every squeak, wriggle, squirm, smell etc before it's all gone. They do change so quickly and I really do love this stage even if they do keep you up at night.

Rob worked out the age gap in days between are babies. There are 660 days between Ellis and Leo and 653 between Leo and Baba. That's just one week shy of being the exact age gap! Pretty good timing.

Last night I did the last injection in my belly. It didn't hurt going in but I think I may have done the plunger a bit fast as when I removed the needle I bled a bit. Not happened before, and I had a small lump under the skin. Not sure it worked properly but it's done now and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wished I had practiced in hospital now while I could have asked questions.

Blood loss is minimal, I have a bruise on my hand from the cannula, it still feels a bit funny when I wee, especially the very last bit, my wound stings and my belly is quite tender to the touch from the belly button down. Not sure if the muscle stitching together has worked yet but time will tell.

Need to phone the physio and book an appointment and also the GP for my 6 week check-up.

Taking all the pain killers I can so that I can try and get on with things. I would say the hardest thing at the moment is not being able to lift Leo up.

Baba is feeding well, sometimes he has big gaps between feeds but the last one was only 1hour 30 mins. He doesn't do big poos yet but his bum is a bit sore. He could do with some nappy off time but it's too cold for that.

My friend Delia is coming over to take some pictures tomorrow which should be interesting. Can't wait to see what she gets. Because of this Rob and I are going to give Baba his first bath tonight. I bet he screams the place down! Will try and video it like we did the others.

I have tons of pictures and videos to post and I think I will try and make a start on that this evening.

Everything is so up in the air. I know it will all sort itself out and I'll soon be back into my routines with new ones added. It's just the getting there I suppose.