3 WEEKS OLD

2 WEEKS 4 DAYS OLD

2 WEEKS OLD

DISCHARGED - 1 WEEK, 5 DAYS OLD

I really want to blog but finding a slot of time to put some thought and effort into it is in short supply. Nugget doesn't seem to settle that well in the evenings and just wants cuddles or feeds.

Things are going okay. It's great having Rob home and I have no idea how it will all work out once he is back to work but that won't be for a bit yet.

I'm still rather sore on my right side and whenever I go for a wee I have lots of stinging inside. Can't really explain it but it isn't very comfortable. I haven't complained too much though and I haven't taken any pain killers either.

The boys are still being amazing with him. Leo is getting more gentle and just loves to give him a kiss and cuddle. Ellis likes to soothe him by rubbing his belly and holding his head. It's very sweet. I also love that they don't seem overly bothered by him either. It's like he has always been here, even though it isn't even 2 weeks yet!

His cord fell off last Thursday night when he was a week old. It is a bit bloody, crusty etc but the midwife said it was fine. Think it is going to be an inny.

Baba doesn't really have a sleeping pattern although he is much more settled during the day than at night. He has been sleeping in his blue chair inside the crib which works better I think. Last night was a terrible night. He had trapped wind or something so I ended up feeding him lying down and he stayed in bed with us all night. I "slept" in the most awkward position and was constantly worried about him being smothered or squashed! Hope tonight is different.

The biggest and hardest issue right now is his name. I have my heart set on something and I love it but Rob hates it and won't back down. I've really tried to be open minded about other names etc and came up with another name but that was shot down too. To me, he is Oscar Wallace George. I've been thinking it for a long time, before he was born, and he looks like an Oscar, it goes well with Ellis, Leo and George and it's a bit different but not crazy like our other names and basically I love it. I'm gutted that Rob doesn't agree and I'm trying hard to put it out of my head and concentrate on finding something else but after looking though the name book again and going online, I'm still not happy with any.

Today Rob read through a list of names and I had to pick out names I liked. I picked a few but they weren't really what I wanted. Oscar, Max, Bailey, Oliver, Stanley. Oscar first choice obviously, second Max but even that isn't what I would like, Bailey is okay, Stanley makes me laugh every time I say it so don't think that is a goer and Oliver is a nice name but not one I want. HELP!!!!!!! Rob is really trying to come up with other possibilities but I can't budge. I feel sick and want to cry about it! How pathetic! But it's something so important. We both have to be happy with it and it just isn't working out. One of us will have to give in and I'm pretty sure it will have to be me this time. Gutted.

I want to start work on my birthing story but finding time in the evenings, between feeds, winding, changing, showering, tiding up etc I'm not left with a lot of time. I have time but in short bursts which isn't great for writing as I would lose my place. Also I am sat in front of the computer when feeding but it means I have to do everything one handed which is a nightmare! Especially when it's only my left hand free. I will get there in the end.

I've been discharged from the midwife already and should get a visit from the health visitor at some point. My midwife Judith is on holiday so a lady called Sue came over. The first time she was here she just asked a few questions, wrote a few things down in my notes and that was it. She called me on the Thursday after for a chat and I just told her that I was concerned about a couple of things with my tummy pain etc so she said someone would come and see me on Friday. Stayed in all day Friday and nobody came. Bit rubbish. She called me on Monday and sort of apologised and then came out in the afternoon. She checked my scar and said it looked good and that if I was having pain at my 6 week check that I was to tell my GP then. She had a look at Baba's cord and said it was fine and weighed him. He is near enough back to his birth weight of 8lb 3oz.

My baby bump is going down. Was going to take pictures but I'm not sure now. I weighed the day I got home from the hospital and I was 13st 13lbs! I weighed again a few days later and I was down to 13st 5lbs already. I'm eating well although craving bad food and I'm obviously quite busy so I'm hoping the baby weight will come off quite quickly this time. I'm not worried about it though. Might do going down measurements too yet, I'm undecided.

I forgot how much of a roller-coaster ride it is at the beginning. I'm up then down, all around and back again and in one day too! Rob is dealing with it quite well although I've asked him to be a bit more fluffy with me. Not sure he can but he will give it a go.

I tried to put some maternity clothes in a bag for the charity shop tonight but was unable to do it. I ended up just hanging it all back up as I was feeling sad that I might never wear them again. I can't keep having babies, for lots and lots of reasons but I'm not ready yet to close the door on that chapter of my life. It has been such a huge part of my life for the past 4 and a bit years. Will I ever be able to let it go? Not sure on that.

Baba is calling, got to go!

RAMBLINGS OF A MAD WOMAN - 6 DAYS OLD

Midwife finally arrived, Sue, and she ran through a few things. Didn't check his cord but did do the heel prick test which went really well. She put his foot in some warm water first and then pricked it. He jumped but didn't cry. The blood flowed rather than her squeezing the foot to pieces like they did with Leo and it was actually not that bad.

She asked me some questions and we talked a bit about breastfeeding and that was it. I will get a phone call on Thursday and another visit after that and I expect that will be it.

Last night wasn't a particularly good night. He woke up and fed but then wouldn't go back off so I was awake for just over 2 hours feeding, changing, burping and trying to put him back down. We didn't have the heating on last night so don't know if that made any difference.

Feeling very sad today. For lots of reasons. Feeling happy too obviously but these bloody hormones, which I'm blaming by the way are causing havoc with my emotions. I'm sad because I won't be pregnant again but also relived about that, I'm sad that I will never experience giving birth again, but also relived about that, I'm sad that Rob works so far away and it makes me nervous to think about how I will cope on my own, I'm sad that everyone is ill and that we don't have any get up and go, I'm nervous about going out, generally worried about everything and very teary. I don't feel tired as such but I feel worn out. Not sure that makes sense. I look in the mirror and see this yellow, hanging thing, and that's me! Not really sure what to do with myself. I'm still a bit wheezy and chesty and I'm very annoyed that we haven't got a name for Baba yet. My head is working overtime and my body can't keep up. I can't even get my head around having visitors. People are asking to pop in and I'm getting worried about, strange I know. Like I said, just generally worrying about stuff and keep crying about it all. I sort of remember feeling like this last time and I know it will pass, which is what I keep telling myself but it's hard to live through it.

I'm very concious of the fact that this baby may be the last and I want to cherish every squeak, wriggle, squirm, smell etc before it's all gone. They do change so quickly and I really do love this stage even if they do keep you up at night.

Rob worked out the age gap in days between are babies. There are 660 days between Ellis and Leo and 653 between Leo and Baba. That's just one week shy of being the exact age gap! Pretty good timing.

Last night I did the last injection in my belly. It didn't hurt going in but I think I may have done the plunger a bit fast as when I removed the needle I bled a bit. Not happened before, and I had a small lump under the skin. Not sure it worked properly but it's done now and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wished I had practiced in hospital now while I could have asked questions.

Blood loss is minimal, I have a bruise on my hand from the cannula, it still feels a bit funny when I wee, especially the very last bit, my wound stings and my belly is quite tender to the touch from the belly button down. Not sure if the muscle stitching together has worked yet but time will tell.

Need to phone the physio and book an appointment and also the GP for my 6 week check-up.

Taking all the pain killers I can so that I can try and get on with things. I would say the hardest thing at the moment is not being able to lift Leo up.

Baba is feeding well, sometimes he has big gaps between feeds but the last one was only 1hour 30 mins. He doesn't do big poos yet but his bum is a bit sore. He could do with some nappy off time but it's too cold for that.

My friend Delia is coming over to take some pictures tomorrow which should be interesting. Can't wait to see what she gets. Because of this Rob and I are going to give Baba his first bath tonight. I bet he screams the place down! Will try and video it like we did the others.

I have tons of pictures and videos to post and I think I will try and make a start on that this evening.

Everything is so up in the air. I know it will all sort itself out and I'll soon be back into my routines with new ones added. It's just the getting there I suppose.

HOME - 5 DAYS OLD

We're home. First night in his own bed last night didn't go that badly really. I think I was quite comfy feeding which made it nicer for me and I wasn't in a rush to get back to bed so it was more relaxed altogether. In fact he slept in and I pretty much had to wake him up!

Midwife is due to come today to check everything but nothing yet and it's 3pm.

Was feeling really good this morning and did loads. Put all the clean clothes away, unpacked all my bags, did a bit of cleaning, put some washing on, sorted through some paperwork and just generally pottered about. I'm so feeling it this afternoon though. Feel achy, sore, my back is hurting and just generally weak. I've had some pain killers an hour ago but not made much improvement. I need to start eating the right foods to give me some more energy. My iron levels are border line for treatment so really need to boost them if I can which will help me feel better all over.

I will soon start to type up my birth story and subsequent stay in hospital but there is so much to do that I'm not sure how long it will take me. I really want to do it though while it's all still very fresh!

The biggest issue since getting home is Leo. He is very hard work and just drains the life out of you. Bless him though, he is just a bit bored and wants attention. Rob is unwell and I'm not up to much this afternoon so he has been pretty annoyed with us. Rob is doing stacking cups with him at the moment and he is happy.

Ellis has been very helpful and a very good big brother. How easy would it be with just Ellis and Nugget! Leo loves the baby and is very good with him. A bit over zealous at times but that's to be expected. He is different then Ellis was with him. It's quite good that they have each other and not showing too much interest in Nugget just yet.

The name!! Ah man it is driving me mad that Nugget doesn't have one yet. I really like Oscar but Rob will not back down on that one and doesn't like it. Fair enough but we haven't found anything else yet. I will hit the books/websites tonight and hopefully come up with something soon as I'm fed up of being asked about it too.

Right that's enough for now. Be back soon ish.

DAY 5 - 4 DAYS OLD

12:05am Day 5 Baba was sleeping. It didn't last long and he was soon constantly feeding and not settling.

He eventually slept from 4am - 6am when the checks were done by Sarah. I fed him again and she wrapped him up and he slept then until 9am.

We snoozed and fed and just generally relaxed during the morning while organising Rob on the phone to pick us up with all the right stuff.

I did a little video of us chilling out saying that he was definitely the last baby and that I should be reminded that I said that!

I had lunch around 1pm followed by our observations done by another midwife called Kate who was just as nice. She went through all the discharge questions etc and gave me all the right leaflets and things. It didn't take too long.

I did another diary video.

I spent the first part of the afternoon sorting and packing all my stuff out and just waiting for Rob to come in and pick us up.

Afternoon video diary, 3:15pm.

Going home is very nerve wrecking for me. I feel safe in hospital. I'm looked after and attention is given to me and my well being. All I have to think about is taking care of my baby and myself and how hard can that be! Food is brought to my bed and everything is routine which I love. Most people hate it in there but I don't.

Rob arrived and I quickly had a shower before getting Nugget ready to go home.

I had gone on for ages about a going home outfit and I did take one in with me but when it came to it, I just couldn't be bothered and plus I preferred for him to just all be in white.

When we left hospital with Ellis and Leo we took quite a few pictures of the 2 of us holding our baby before putting him in the car seat. This time Rob took 3 of me and then just said that he wanted to go. Fair enough but it would have been nice to have had one of him with Baba.

We put him in the car seat, and he was sick! Ellis was sick for the first time when we left the hospital. I even took a picture of it!

It was eerily quiet as we walked out, it just seemed that the ward was deserted!

Rob was parked quite close to the exit which was good as walking was still quite hard work. I put Baba down while Rob was messing around trying to lower the suspension on the car to make it easier for me to climb in. I wanted to sit in the back with Baba for his first ride home as I had done with the other 2.

Baba was awake for the entire journey home. We stopped at McDonalds on the way and he started crying and didn't stop until we pretty much pulled into the drive.

When we arrived I wanted to video the boys reaction which I tried to do but it was all very tricky. I love it though.

Rob unloaded the car and Nanny took pictures while I showed the boys their baby brother in their home. Leo was funny. He got really excited and licked Baba's head then started licking everyone else! Very strange, he has never done it before or since.

I then asked Nanny to try and get a family picture. It was quite difficult because the TV was on and Ellis wouldn't pay attention to what was going on. We took a few, with 2 different cameras and this was the best we could get.

Nanny had a quick cuddle and then helped us out by sorting food, washing, cleaning, tidying up, playing with the boys etc etc. She was a big help, as always. Thanks Marmie. x

We just tried to settle in to being a new family of 5. I sat feeding and Rob pottered around. The boys just went back and forth from the sofa watching TV and seeing Mummy with Baba. It was all quite calm.

I did a video diary before I was done in and ready for my bed.

It is very hard to write these entries explaining how it exactly felt as I'm writing this when Baba is now Oscar and 5 weeks old! I'm pretty sure I will paint over how horrid I felt and how tricky it was with the fact that Rob was ill, then Leo, then Ellis etc and that things really didn't work out as we had planned. The plan was Rob was going to do stuff with the boys, take them on days out, swimming etc and I was going to chill at home, recovering and bonding with Baba. It didn't go that at all and even now, 5 weeks later, Leo still hasn't gone swimming. Ah well, probably better that I don't do loads of entries complaining about all the tough stuff. Be nice to remember it as all fluffy and lovely. :o)

DAY 4 - 3 DAYS OLD

**I've posted a picture of my scar so be warned if you don't want to see it.**

Baba fed all night long and I gave up trying to put him down in the crib as it was just too painful all the time, so I ended up having him in bed with me either lying down or sitting up.

My midwife for the day shift was a lovely lady called Kate who actually lives right by me. She was so attentive and helpful and just made you feel so well looked after.

Day 4, Baba was weighed to check that he hadn't lost too much weight since birth. I stripped him off and took some pictures before he was done.

The doctors came around at about 11am which is when I was due to go to the NICU for more drugs so I was urgently trying to find out if he had to have them as it would mean staying in for another 2 days at least. They said that Baba didn't need any more antibiotics and that he would just need 24 hours of observations. Hurrah! His cannula could be removed too which was great so as soon as the doctors left I got on to one of the midwives to take it out!

I had a shower and looked at my scar. I wasn't too happy with it but looking at this picture it doesn't actually look that bad. I wish I had a picture of my scar with Ellis to compare it to.

I had some lunch which was disgusting! I should have already learned that you just live off of sandwiches in there. The cooked food is horrid.

Baba had his cannula removed, which pretty much just fell out once all the sticky tape was removed. It must have felt so much better for him.

I found out that Baba had lost 5.78% of his body weight which was really good. Ellis lost 12% which is why we had to stay in for so long doing top up feeds etc.

His observations were going well until late afternoon when his temperature was a bit low. I wrapped him up and put a hat on him too as I couldn't turn my fan off as I was sweating so much.

My milk had come in and I was feeling rather sore and a bit worried that I was going to get mastitis. In the shower I had stood for ages just with the shower on them trying to relief the discomfort a bit. It was uncomfortable but not painful like with Ellis. With him it was horrendous!

The ward was very quiet. There was only me and one other girl. Her bloke was watching the rugby and so we were just chatting. She lives where I do which was very strange, has 2 dogs and 2 horses and has her first baby daughter.

I spent the afternoon staring at my new baby, taking pictures and trying to remember what it was like to be pregnant. It all just felt like a distant memory even though it was just a few days ago. The whole birth and new baby thing just takes over everything else.

The ward was so quiet and I didn't have any visitors all day so I did feel rather lonely but Rob thought it would be a good idea for me to get some rest. I didn't though as I just paced around feeling bored. I did tidy up my little area, had a cuppa or two and had a nice chat with the girl opposite. I did get her name but I forgot it.

I spent some time going through the names book but I still couldn't come up with anything. It was driving me crazy!

I noticed my feet were getting puffy again so I put my lush hospital socks back on and that seemed to help.

All of a sudden the girl opposite said she had a bad tummy and had had the squits. She happened to mention it to a midwife who immediately shut everything down! It was like hazmat central! The bathroom was closed, she was whisked off to another room and all her stuff was sterilised and the floor cleaned. Suddenly it was just Baba and I on the 6 bed ward! It was very strange as when I was in with Leo is was constantly hectic and noisy.

The midwives were arguing in the office. I did over hear a bit and it was about how the squits situation was dealt with. One thought the other had over reacted and the other said she was just doing her job. It got rather heated and everyone was huffing and puffing about. Some people were complaining about moving beds etc and that certain people needed to be called in to do the moving and to do a proper clean of the bathroom. It was all very interesting.

I ate my dinner, alone and sat in the day room for a bit before settling down for the night. It didn't take too long before someone else joined me though. A first time Mum was put in the bed opposite and immediately closed her curtains. Humf!

Was hoping for a better nights rest but it wasn't to be.

DAY 3 - 2 DAYS OLD

Again it was another feeding frenzy all night! I tried feeding lying down which was a bit uncomfortable and he ended up sleeping on me while I was sitting up. He hadn't settled in his crib since 1pm yesterday!

We had the usual checks and then I managed to walk all the way to NICU for his antibiotics.

It was very quiet on the wards but it was just before visiting hours so I was expecting it to pick up.

Baba was taken away to have some more bloods taken but I wasn't really sure what it was for. I think it was to check that the drugs were working. He had stopped grunting so that was a good sign.

He did a massive poo which I had the pleasure of clearing up.

I had some lunch and a shower and then I did a video diary of the morning so far.

Ellis and Rob came in in the afternoon which was wicked! I really wanted Ellis to meet his baby brother without Leo being a pain in the bum. It worked out really well. We stayed by my bed for a while before going into the day room for a drink and some cuddles.

I chilled out for the rest of the afternoon.

The evening visiting hour was filled by my sister and Mum which was nice.

I did another video diary for the day.

It was the usual medical checks in the evening followed by the pain medication and a trip to the NICU for antibiotics and then as soon as the lights were switched off Baba woke up. I did a little diary to finish off the day.